March 31, 2010 Wednesday Dinner Time

Had a very scary night last night with Bo.

Tuesday morning I went to one of the big malls here in Milwaukee (Southridge Mall) to do some clearance shopping for new clothes. I only go to the malls once a year and I go right for the clearance racks. Ended up buying a few shirts, a pair of jeans, and a heavy flannel shirt all on sale. Came home and took a nap with the dogs. It was about 50 degrees today in Milwaukee. Everything was going fine until after I fed the dogs. After I fed them I noticed a pee mark on the carpet and when I went to find Bo I found him hiding in the corner not looking good. He could hardly stand and was clearly in pain. Great. My thought was he either ate something he should not have or Stella might have hurt him playing. Spent the night with him on the couch trying to decide if we should take him into emergency or wait it out. We ended up waiting it out and got him on the bed for the night next to me. I was up all night with him. He was not happy and let out a couple whimpers here and there. He also peed in the bed during the night. All night we were on the fence as to taking him to emergency.

Got up out of bed around 5 AM and took Bo to the couch. He was still not doing great so I called the vet when they opened at 7:30 AM. The doctors had surgery all morning but the vet said we could drop him off and leave him and they would look at him between surgeries. I was not about to drop him off and let him sit in a cage feeling the way he was. I gave him some breakfast which he ate right away. I figured this must be good. A little while later I got him outside to poop and pee. No blood or problems there either. Spend the early morning with him by my side. Around 9 AM he started looking a little better. I took him outside again and he pooped and peed again. Long story short, by noon he was doing much better. Took a long nap with him this afternoon. Since we got up from our nap he has been up to his normal puppy self. So the conclusion is Stella did not hurt him, he must have ate something he should not have. I have no clue what, but will keep an eye on him the next few days to figure it out. Bottom line, he is now better thankfully. Was a very scary night. I honestly thought Stella hurt his spine or something and the end result would be expensive and not good. Spent the night in tears wondering if it was his last day. Thankfully it did not turn out that way. It is close to 70 degrees today in Milwaukee. Not really enjoying it because I am still putting Bo as number one. Any outdoor projects will wait another day. Tomorrow it is suppose to be in the 70s all day. Tonight we will just stay home with the dogs and count our blessings.

March 29, 2010 Monday Morning

Not one thing on my schedule for this week. Not one thing.

Thursday afternoon I had a board meeting with ARCW. Was very informative and productive.

Friday after taking Bo to the vet for another booster puppy shot I did a little cleaning around the house in the morning, had lunch with the guys, and in the middle of the afternoon a friend came over for an hour or so to see the puppy and visit. Is always nice to spend time with her.

Saturday morning after taking Stella to the vet for another blood test Tony spend the day working on the bathroom. I spent the day working on the sun room outside replacing boards and such. Saturday night we went to the Pius XI High School performance at the Pabst Theater of Titanic - The Musical. WOW. It was one of the best plays I have seen in a long time. Most Broadway shows we see at the PAC are not as good. I even called the school today and left a message as well as an email telling the school what a great performance it was and to make sure the proper people hear or read my response. The show was truly amazing.

Sunday morning I made breakfast, gave Stella a bath and then Tony and I went to Home Depot to purchase some wood and things he needs for the bathroom construction. He spent the rest of the day working on the bathroom, I spend the day working on the sun room and watching the dogs. It was again nice enough outside to keep the doors open so the dogs could go out when they need to. Bo has been very good. He has not made a mistake in the house in days. Ordered Chinese food for dinner last night, will most likely have the left overs for dinner tonight.

Today I don't know what I will do. Might just do a little cleaning and lay low. No word from the owner where I work. Guess it is a done deal that working there is over. How shitty for her not to call or contact me. I am truly disgusted with the way this was all handled. Have to get busy or I will slowly start to get depressed about the situation. By Thursday it is suppose to get to 70 degrees here in Milwaukee. I am happy that the weather is getting warmer. I am not happy that because I have been working outside I have a terrible itchy rash around my neck and hair line. Have to address this with my doctor when I see him again the end of April. Guess I have to stay out of the sun or make sure I put sun screen on if I am in the sun at all.

March 24, 2010 Wednesday Morning

Monday I did not go to work and did not receive any contact from the owner. It really tore me down and put me into a deep depressed state for the day. I spent most of the day walking from front to back of the house or napping on the couch or bed. I just do not understand why contact with the owner stopped when I did nothing wrong a week ago. I guess she has chosen her side, her son's. It makes me wonder if her and I were truly the friends I thought we were. I thought we were more than just employer / employee. I thought we were also friends. Not contacting me has made me wonder why I went back to work for such a woman in the first place after what that company did to me the last time they fired me. Even an email saying Thank You for your past work but I no longer need you would have been fine. Not calling or emailing me for over a week, is just not professional at all. Monday night I went to an HIV dinner meeting. Got home and watched Dancing With The Stars and then went to bed.

Tuesday I got up, got Tony off to work and decided I would try to get through the day and get something accomplished. The side wall on the glass enclosure is rotting out to I started pulling the wall apart. Drove to Home Depot and bought the wood I needed for the project. Was working hard on it by 11 AM and managed to get a lot done during the course of the day. Of course this is all while making sure the Bo and Barkley were not trying to eat the rotten wood. Jeez. Every time I turned around they had a piece in their mouths. Tried locking them in the house but since I was outside they did not like that so it was easier just to keep an eye on them outside. Bo also loves chasing the birds. Worked hard all day on the replacing of the wall until about 4 PM. Made some left over pizza from Sunday night's dinner for supper along with a salad. Watched some TV and went to bed around 10 PM.

This morning I have to get going and get back to work on the wall before I start to slide down the pity me slope. Vito is not feeling good today and did not eat his breakfast. Hopefully it will pass. Still not sure if I should write one final letter to the owner expressing how disappointed I am in how this whole job thing ended. Not sure if it is worth the time and energy. Should I just turn in my keys and credit card and let it all go?

March 21, 2010 Sunday Night

Twenty one years ago to the date Tony and I met at a bar, both single, and started dating.

Friday afternoon we had lunch with the guys. Enjoyable as always. Came home and one of the guys we have lunch with came over to the house to see the puppy. He stayed for a little over an hour and soon the afternoon was over. Friday night I made soup and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches since neither of us was hungry from lunch.

Saturday I did a little of this and that while Tony worked on the tenants bathroom doing some caulking and replacing of the shower faucet washers. I then laid down at 2 PM and Tony woke me and the dogs around 4:30. I could not believe I took such a long nap. Had a cup of coffee and the both of us took showers because we had invitations to an invite only party at the Art Bar 6th Anniversary party. Free food and drink from 6:00 to 8:00. We made the most of it. I was with one of the owners prior to Tony for 5 1/2 years so I always feel important and Tony and I are always treated good. Got home a little before 10 PM and went to bed around 11 PM.

This morning after reading a little of the Sunday Newspaper we showered and drove to Tony's mom's house and took her out for breakfast. Since Easter is in two week we should do it today because we won't next week because Easter being the following. Stopped off at Menard's after dropping Tony's mom off at her house after breakfast. Bought a bunch of stuff on a list for projects around the house. Got home shortly after noon and worked on cleaning the pond pump and doing a little yard cleaning since in spite of the snow we got yesterday it was 50 degrees today and most of it melted. Tony and I went out for dinner at the restaurant we had our first dinner at 21 years ago. We go there often and the food is always good. Home early and will watch a little TV and go to bed. No email or call from the owner where I work so if I do not hear from her by tomorrow morning I will not be returning to work there. Made up my mind if she can not face what her son did and call me I don't want to work there or for her. Bottom line - right? Will let you know what happens.

March 19, 2010 Friday Morning

Feeling very depressed and not liking where I am at.

The weather here in Milwaukee has been getting better with spring approaching. It was in the 50s on Wednesday and the 60s yesterday. Of course this is Wisconsin and we are expecting snow tonight and parts of the weekend. By the end of next week it will be in the 50s again. Spend the last two days working around the house, mostly outside. Got the side and back yard looking good. The pond is all up and running, fish all survived the winter freeze. The puppy has been for the most part very good. He seems to make one mistake a day just to test me I think. Other than that with the warmer weather I put a dog door in the side door and the dogs can go out in the secured side yard any time they want when I am home. Bo loves to sit outside and try to catch the birds. Only problem so far is the fact I spend most of my day taking things out of his mouth that he finds in the yard to chew on. Bark chips, leaves and even rocks I am pulling out of his mouth all day. I have dog toys everywhere for him and all the dogs except Barkley take their turns playing with him. He still needs to be attended to all day. Went out for dinner last night with a long time friend of Tony's. Had a nice Mexican dinner at a new local restaurant.

Today I feel .............. sad. Guess that is the word. I hate these highs and lows. I know the lows come when I am bored and do not have a plan or purpose for the day. I try to push myself as much as possible during the day but still find myself needing a short nap in the afternoons. Tony is off to work, I have walked from front to back of the house many times, looked out the window, watched my rabbit eating bird seed under the front bushes, played with Bo, fed the dogs..........now I just feel 'sad'. My sister sent me 3 books called A Case for the Creator, A Case for Faith, and A Case for Christ. I read one full book yesterday and got about 3/4 through the other. She sent them to help me because of my struggles understanding God and religion. The second book I am reading, A Case for Faith, is very good. It is giving me answers to my questions. Still not sure if I can buy into it all. But I am open minded and love reading these books in hope that something sparks and I feel more comfortable with the thought of death. Another reason I am feeling sad or down is because I still have not heard any word from my employer about what took place with her son at work on Monday. I was hoping for a call from her. Not sure what I expect her to say, I know there are things I would like to hear such as that I am wanted and that her son was wrong calling me a whore and telling me he was going to kill me. I guess something said rather than nothing is what is making me mad and sad. I am seriously thinking of putting together the work I have, putting it in an envelope and sending it to her saying I am done and moving on. Of course thanking her for the last years side work and income. I do love her dearly and am very surprised she has not called me. We would usually have talked many times by this time in the week so it is hard to know what she might be thinking. I either have to just go into work on Monday and do what I always do or call and end to it all. I am so torn. On the one hand summer is here and I can enjoy the summer working around the house without having to go to work two days a week, enjoying the summer. On the other hand, mornings like this make me realize I need a purpose in life and being home 7 days a week is not good for the mind. I do enjoy getting out of the house those two days a week and feeling needed, but do I need the stress? So what do I do? Do I shoot myself in the foot letting go a job where I make my own hours a couple days a week making good money because of my pride and fear of her son? Or do I swallow it and continue as things were? For some reason I have developed a rash on my forehead right at the hair line. I am not sure if it is stress or the sun from being outside this week. I really wish someone would help me make this decision. Tony is no help since he tells me to just stay home. Maybe I should put an end to it and start doing some volunteer work instead. Guess I will have to make a decision by Monday. Any help or words of advice are appreciated.

March 16, 2010 Tuesday Night

Spent Saturday just doing things around the house while Tony went to work for half the day. Spent the afternoon watching TV and playing with the dogs.

Sunday Tony got working on the bathroom again so I did the grocery shopping and such. Spent the day as well close to home not doing a lot.

Monday I went to work to work my usual Monday 5 hours doing inventories and such. A short time after getting to work I approached the IT person about not being able to access files I need and that I have not been able to for a while. My user name and passwords were not working. He was his usual 'helpful' self. After the third time going to his office with no help I let him know I would talk to the owner about the problem. I guess he did not like this response because a short time later he blocked me in the hallway and went off on me. He was like a mad man. Called me a whore and kept chest butting me trying to pick a fight. I was having non of it and he was not liking that at all. It ended up him telling me he was going to 'kill me'. He said it several times. Said many other hurtful things also besides calling me a whore. He stated I was not welcome here and should have never returned to the company. He is the owners son, unfortunately. I kept my cool. The entire building of other employees heard all he said at the top of his lungs and saw how he was trying to pick a fight with me. I was visibly shaken. Told the other owner of the situation, finished my counting and got the heck out of there. Did a little work at home before emailing the owner and HR manager about what had happened. Since there are cameras everywhere they can easily see the entire event if they look on the DVR. Spent the night rethinking the fact of working for this company. Spent a very restless night thinking very hard about if it is all worth it.

This morning I got up and said 'it is not'. I emailed the owner and HR person and told them I would not be returning until I heard from someone as to how yesterdays situation was handled. I will not go to work in fear for my life. The owners son is nuts and a loose cannon. As of now I still have not heard a word from anyone which really pisses me off. If I do not hear from someone by next week I will turn in my keys and not return. Went to the DMV this morning to update my drivers license. Tony went with me. Took a short nap this afternoon and now I am up watching Judge Judy waiting to make dinner.

March 12, 2010 Friday Afternoon

Wednesday I worked around the house and outside a little in the yard. It was close to 50 degrees in Milwaukee today. Wednesday night I made chicken and rice with a nice salad for dinner. Woke up around 2:30 AM Thursday morning with that sick stomach feeling. Ended up throwing up a lot. Seemed to never end. Went back to bed for a while until I was up again at 4 AM this time not only throwing up but with the runs. The runs is an understatement. At times I didn't know which end it was going to come out. Was not a pleasant experience at all. Tried to go back to bed but by this time the dogs were up and I felt like crap. Tony left for work and I spent most of Thursday going from the couch to the bed and napping. Said to myself if this throwing up continues one more night I will have to call the doctor. Went to bed early Thursday night and had a good night sleep.

Woke up today feeling really good. Guess it was something I ate? My chicken dinner? Tony didn't get sick. Hmm. Just glad I feel so good today and made it through a night without throwing up again. Got up early today and was doing things around the house by 7 AM. Tony left shortly there after to go to work. Spent the morning outside cleaning up the side yard and working on the pond. Got the Otter shooting water into the pond. Ready to go pick Tony up to go have lunch with the guys. Then I will most likely spend the afternoon watching TV or napping since the rain is moving in soon. Glad I got as much as I did done this morning outside prior to the rain arriving. My back and chest hurt but that is most likely from the throwing up non stop the day and night before. Other than that. I feel good today.

March 9, 2010 Tuesday Night

Saturday night we did not go out for dinner. Tony and I took a nap and when we got up my stomach did not feel good. Within time I was throwing up. The phone rang a little while later and one of the people we were to have dinner with was sick also. So we said we would do it another time. Made some soup and sandwiches for dinner and went to bed around 10 PM.

Sunday was Tony's 49th Birthday. Happy Birthday Tony. We got up and drove to Tony's mom's house and took her out for breakfast. Dropped her off after breakfast and came home for a while before going to the American Kennel Club Dog Show at State Fair Park. Spent about 2 hours walking around watching the dogs. Came home and after watching TV for a while I took Tony out for a Birthday dinner at a local Italian Restaurant. Got home and spent the night watching the Oscars. In bed and lights our by 10 PM.

Monday I went to work and worked my usual 5 or so hours. Got home and after doing a little work on the computer I took an hour nap. My sinus's are killing me. Went to bed around 9 PM.

This morning I was up at 4:30 AM throwing up again. This is happening way to often and I will have to address this with my doctor when I go in next the end of April. I really hope it is just a spell of stomach acid and in time it will get better. Switching meds is a scary thought. Tried to go back to bed after the morning throw up but the puppy was up and wanted to play. Tony got up and I stayed in bed. By the time Bo brought me the fifth shoe I said 'this is enough' and just got up. Pushed myself to go in for a couple hours work. Feel like crap today. My face hurts so much. I have taken every sinus pill I have with no relief. I just got off an anti biotic a week ago so I am really not a happy guy right now. I am hoping it is the fog and the damp Milwaukee weather. Took a couple hour nap hoping I would wake up feeling better. No such luck. Making some dinner right now. Will watch a little TV and go to bed early. I have to start feeling better. This is scarring me. I attached a video of Stella and Bo playing. Stella is so good with him. She could do so much damage and is so careful with him. Enjoy.

March 6, 2010 Saturday Morning

It has been quite a busy week around here. The good news is Jacque Pierre Beaumont IV, otherwise known as Bo, has been surprisingly good. Since last Sunday he has only made about 4 mistakes in the house. I consider that very good for a dog that never was even taught to pee or poop outside before he came here about a week and a half ago. The last two times I caught him 'in the act', the minute he heard my stern voice you could tell he knew he was a bad boy. Both times I put his nose in it, gave him a tiny little pat on the butt, and took him outside where he finished his peeing. Then I make a big deal out of it and give him a small treat. He has really been a good boy. Took him yesterday for his first vet visit. He got his first puppy shot and check up. He was very good and laid in my arms most of the appointment.

I worked Monday and Tuesday about 4 hours each day. Wednesday morning I had a dental appointment to have a tooth drilled and filled. I HATE the dentist. I sweat like a pig as I squeeze the hand rails on the chair as the dentist injects my gums. It is horrible. As a kid I would just let the dentist drill and fill without shots I hated the needles that much. I am older and wiser now and take the five minutes of shot pain so I don't have the hour of drilling pain. Dentist said she had to drill pretty far down being so big and told me to take some Advil or pain meds when I got home. I still was not feeling much pain so I laid down on the bed with the dogs and took a nap. Boy was I sorry I didn't take something for the pain because when I woke up I felt like someone had my tooth by a pliers. Took a bunch of pain meds and was better a little while later. Spent Wednesday night at home watching TV.

Thursday I went into work for a few hours to do a supply inventory and clean the owners office. Was home by 1 PM and spent the afternoon ordering product and updating spreadsheets on the computer. Spent the rest of the day cleaning and watching the puppy.

Friday morning was 'Bo's' first vet appointment. As I said above he was very good. Came home and did a little around the house before going to pick Tony up and have lunch with the guys. Tony had to buy lunch since this Sunday, March 7th, is his Birthday. The Birthday boy has to buy lunch that week. Had a great lunch and came home. Took a couple hour nap before getting up and doing some shoveling of ice and snow off the deck so the sun can melt what is left. It is going to be in the low 40s this weekend. We still have a lot of snow on the ground here in Milwaukee. Last night we went to a fund raiser at a bar called Bucket Head here in Milwaukee. It was for the Brew City Bully Club which we are members of. It's goal is to stop dog fighting and bring awareness to Pit Bull dogs being good dogs. Had a great time. A band called Left On Sunset was playing all night and they were great. Had a couple drinks and we were home by a little after 10 PM. The fundraiser was a great success. A great turn out for the event.

Today we both got up early. Not sure why since we have no plans until dinner.

March 2, 2010 Tuesday Afternoon - In Defense of Tony

I could not let the comment by Sammy go by without addressing it.
I would hate to loose Sammy or anyone who takes the time to follow my blog. I appreciate all comments made to all my posts. In this case I have to respond. Sammy, Tony may not be the best husband, but he is not the worst either. We have been together for 21 years this month. We have some good times as well as some bad times. I have to ask myself the question: Would I be better off with him or without him? The answer is simple. I am much better with him. You have to remember you are reading MY side of the story. I am sure he would have a very different point of view on many things I discuss in this blog. I am not the easiest person in the world to live with either. I am demanding, possessive, like to get my way, and have HIV to name a few faults of my own. He has never pushed the subject regarding how I got HIV. I think that is a big plus in itself since I can not say I would be able to do the same if the tables were reversed. He has stood by me during the worst point in my life a year ago. He continues to stand by me and support decisions I make. I will be the first to admit I am not the easiest to live with. I am not with him for financial reasons. It helps having a man who pays his part and then some of the bills, but if I had to do it on my own, I could. He might not be romantic, sympathetic, helpful around the house and many other things, but he is supportive when needed, helpful in many other areas. I am not defending what was said on Saturday night by him. I have said hurtful things in the past also I am sure. Did I really mean them? NO. Would I take them back if I could? YES. So with that said, please do not think Tony is not a good man. WHEN IT COUNTS, HE IS!

March 1, 2010 Monday Night

Saturday Tony took Stella to the vet for another blood test, then spent the day working on the bathroom. I spent the day cleaning and keeping an eye on the puppy. He was pretty good all day. I think he made one poop mistake and about 3 pee mistakes for the day. Each time I caught him in the act and let him know he was a bad dog and took him outside. Saturday night we had a party to go to so we put him in his crate and hoped for the best. He was fine when we got home after 11 PM. Had a good time at the party. I had three drinks. Tony had about 5 and I knew by the time we left it was time to get him home. He can be a mean drunk and was. Got home and after I did EVERYTHING I let him know that it was not fair for him to walk in the house after a party or night out and just take care of himself and his own needs while I take care of the dogs, get us a water, turn on the TV and everything else. Well, he got mean, told me he hates me and that he hopes every night when he goes to bed that he does not wake up in the morning so he doesn't have to spend another day with me. What a nice thing to be told hey? I let him say what he wanted, I walked away and took the dogs to bed with me. About an hour later he came to bed. I was not happy. About 2:30 AM I woke up pucking my guts out. I just can not drink anymore on the meds I take. Guess three drinks is too many.

Sunday we were both up around 7 AM due to the puppy. Not much was said between Tony and I all morning. About 10:30 AM I told him I had to call the girl who might want the puppy and it was his last chance to tell me what he wanted to do. I laid out my case, pro and cons. He said nothing. About 11:30 I asked him again and told him it was not fair not to say anything. He simply said 'I wouldn't have brought the puppy home if I didn't want him. You always do what your want so your going to do what you want this time also'. I sat there silent. OK. So now I am the bad guy. A little while later he was sleeping on the couch. I called the girl who wanted him and told her we had changed our minds. I guess I wasn't going to win this one giving the dog away. I was happy to hear the girl say she had decided not to get the dog anyway. Of course I did not tell Tony this. Let him think I did this for him. I had made the decision to do it for him anyway prior to the girl saying she didn't want him. Spent the day watching the puppy and TV and just doing a little paperwork. Went to bed around 10 PM Sunday night. The puppy in my arms. For the record his name is Jacque Pierre Beaumont The 4th. Yup Tony named him. Guess he had a dog like this one named the same when he was a kid. So we will call him Beau (Bo) for short. He is a very smart dog and catching on quick. I will have to post some more pictures and a video of him playing with Vito and Stella. Vito and him are best friends already. Stella (our pitbull) is so careful when she plays with him. Stella always pleasantly surprises me daily being a pitbull and being such a good dog. I am so glad I saved Stella. She would have been put down if we didn't save her 4 1/2 years ago.

Monday I got up around 6 AM and spent until I went to work at 9 AM watching the dog making sure he was not leaving any messes in the house. Tony came home at lunch to let them all out. Had Tony take a stool sample to the vet this morning to make sure Beau doesn't have worms and give it to the other four dogs. I got home around 3 PM from work. The vet called shortly after to say no worms and that Stella's blood count from Saturday was still good/normal. Spent the afternoon working at home for work on the computer transferring the count/inventory numbers to a spreadsheet to send the owner. Then I had an HIV meeting from 6 PM to 7:30 PM. It is getting close to 10 PM and I am ready for bed. Have to work a few hours tomorrow. Wednesday I have a dental appointment to drill and fill a tooth, YUCK.

February 26, 2010 Friday Night

Needless to say I did not get much done around the house or anything work related accomplished due to watching the dog all afternoon. He is a good dog. He obeys very well. I just don't need another dog. Took a nap in the afternoon, he laid in my arms. Got up and made dinner for the dogs and also Tony and I. Made a couple steaks, mashed potato and cream corn. Spent the night watching programs we DVR'd all week. Made Tony do most of the work with the new dog. At one point I saw him standing inside the house, dog outside climbing on the glass doors trying to get in the house. I touched his shoulder and said 'if you aren't going to be adult enough to go outside in the middle of the snowy yard to train your dog to go potty, you shouldn't have a puppy'. Basically throwing it back in his face when he told me I was not being an adult when it came to potty training this puppy. He gave me the look of death and then got his jacket on. When he came in I told him he really should take his slippers off and put on his shoes because there is still a long night ahead and HE is doing the night shift. I the dog to pee outside prior to going to bed. I had made up my mind that if we did not get this dog to pee outside prior to Tony going to work on Friday Tony was taking the dog with him to work for the day. I was not going to deal with it all day long. Went to bed around 10:30 PM. Bo slept in Tony's arms all night long.

Woke up this morning and after Tony tried to get the dog to go pee outside I put on my jacket and gloves and finally got him to pee. I was happy. Fed all five dogs and then it was time to take him out again with the other dogs to poop. Took a while but he finally did it. I was happy again. Tony walked out the door around 8 AM asking me if I wanted him to take Bo to work with him. I told him since the dog had peed and pooped I would work with it today. I caught him twice trying to go pee and got him outside both times before I went to lunch with the guys. Locked Bo in a crate while I was gone. Found out shortly prior to going to pick up Tony and have lunch that a couple people where I work might want him and I should bring him by in the afternoon after lunch. So after I picked up Tony, and on the way to lunch, I told him my plan. His response was 'your going to do what you want anyway'. OK. I can take it. Make me the bad guy. Had a great lunch with the guys. Dropped Tony off at his Auto Body Shop and went home to get Bo. Drove him out to where I work and showed the 50 or so students and teachers the dog. Of course they all loved him. One girl stood out. She was very nice and told me she has been planning on getting a dog for a while now. She has everything a dog needs already in preparation and loved Bo. So she took a picture of the dog to show her boyfriend and I gave her my phone number. A teacher said she is a good kid and would be a good mom to Bo. She is calling on Sunday and the plan is to let her have it for the night or more and see how it works out. I told her if it is not a fit I will take Bo back. She has a crate and all. Her boyfriend works nights and she has only a couple weeks left of Beauty School until she graduates so I am hopeful. I have to get rid of this dog before I become any more attached to him. I love dogs. All dogs. And I am finding myself falling for this little shit. He really is a smart dog. He has already learned the dogie steps up to the couch and bed. He pooped and peed outside after dinner this evening. I was surprised when he peed after dinner, I started to go in the house and he stayed outside. I looked behind me and saw him still in the snow in the side yard. I asked him if he had to poop, Stella went down by him, pooped in front of him, he smelled it and he went poop. Jeez, why can't he be a bad dog, it would make giving him up so much easier. I have to be strong and think of what is best for me and the four dogs we already have right? Just making some soup and sandwiches for dinner. Staying home and watching TV for the night. Tony should be home soon to take on the night shift with Bo. To bad that doesn't really mean my shift ends.

February 25, 2010 Thursday Morning

Reaching the end of my rope and it is only 8:30 AM.

Monday I worked my usual day doing inventories all day at the warehouse. Came home exhausted and not feeling well at all. Made a doctor appointment for Tuesday at 5 PM. Made some soup and sandwiches for dinner. Tony and I went to bed by 8:30 PM we both were so tired.

Tuesday I worked a few hours at the warehouse and a couple hours at home prior to going to the doctor. Was told there is a lot of the same going around. Face and sinus hurts, tired, glands swollen, and just feel like crap. Was given a few sinus samples and prescriptions if they work and I want more. Stopped off at McDonald's and picked up some dinner for Tony and I and was home by 7 PM. We watched a little TV and then went to bed around 9 PM.

Wednesday I woke up feeling pretty good. The sinus pill XYZAL seems to be working well. I was told it might make me sleepy. Well, everything always has the reverse effect on me. If I take a night time med I am up all night and can not sleep. If I take something that is to make me drowsy it always is like taking a speeder. Felt so good I went into work again at one of the other locations to do a project. Stopped off at a few stores on the way to pick up some supplies and needs for the various departments. Worked about 4 hours and came home about 2 PM. It was snowing very hard by this time. We ended up getting about 6 inches in all by dinner time. About 3 PM I was working on the computer when I turned around to see Tony standing behind me with a puppy in a blanket in his arms. I said 'what the heck is that?' 'Well the neighbor at his shop has all these puppies and they gave this one to me', Tony tells me. I asked him what the hell he was thinking. He then said 'I named him Bo'. What the heck? I don't need or want another dog much less a 10 week old puppy that is not potty trained, has had no shots or neutered, much less who knows if he has flees or worms. What the hell is he thinking? Got the puppy introduced to the other 4 dogs. Stella was very good with him. She has had puppies in the past herself so she should and does know how to be with a puppy. With that said I can not just throw a new dog in the mix since Stella is a Pitbull and could do damage. About a half hour later Tony said 'gotta go back to work' and out the door he was leaving me with this puppy. Tried to get some more work done around the house prior to Tony coming home. Not much luck with watching the interaction with the other dogs and waiting for it to pee or poop in the house. Again, what the hell was Tony thinking? Tony got home and in the house around 6 PM after plowing the alley and then had to jump in the shower because we had Broadway Tickets to the play Grease here in Milwaukee. Locked the puppy (Bo) in a small cage and went to the play. Bo was not happy being put in a cage. The play was good. Got home to the cage filled with poop and the puppy needing another bath. Oh, forgot to mention. When I brought up the flee topic Tony said to me 'not to worry, I took him to the groomer this afternoon and had his toe nails cut as well as a flee bath prior to bringing him home'. What the hell? Sorry if I sound bitter but I work half time from home. Tony is out the door at 7 AM and doesn't get home until 6 PM. The little time he is home he is usually sleeping on the couch, so who do you think this puppy training is going to fall down on? ME! I have enough on my plate with working, keeping healthy physically and mentally, as well as taking care of the entire household. Did I mention the washing machine is going to need replacing very soon. It makes a horrible noise the entire time running. I do a load of laundry a day around here. Did I mention Tony tore out the sink and plumbing in his bathroom working on it last weekend so now there is only one bathroom and the other looks like a disaster area? Did I mention I want to work more hours outside the house? I could go on and on. Plus the fact a puppy is more adoptable than an older dog. An older dog is house trained. If we had room for another dog I would have rather gotten one that no one else would want rather than one that is adoptable, very cute, and would find a home. So yes, I am bitter right now. Went to bed around 11 PM last night. Bo snuggled in Tony arms all night until morning.

When I woke up at 5 AM this morning and reached over to pet the puppy I put my arm right through the pee that the dog was nice enough to leave on the bed during the night. What a wonderful way to start the day. Got everyone off the bed and pulled all the bedding apart to bring it to the washing machine that is in pieces because Tony is 'fixing it'. Jeez. So as I fed the dogs and then got out to shovel the snow that came yesterday that still needed to be shoveled he put the washing machine back together. I can not go without it. If it makes noise, loud noise, so be it, it is better than no washing machine at all. I told Tony before he went to work I was not happy with the new addition to the house and thought it was very unfair to expect me to have to take care of it on top of all I have on my plate. His response was 'if your not adult and grown up enough to take care of a puppy, I will drop him off at the shelter'. Is that fair? I didn't ask for a puppy. We already have 4 dogs. So now Tony is at work. The usual people I would vent to are at work or not home so that is the reason I am laying it all on you. I have cleaned up two mistakes already in the house from the puppy. Guess I am home for the day doing laundry, cleaning and hopefully getting a couple house of work on the computer accomplished today. Anyone want a puppy? Here is a picture of him.

February 21, 2010 Sunday Afternoon

Friday I got Jimmy John's lunch for the guys at Tony's shop. Dropped off the food when I picked up Tony for lunch with the guys. Had a great lunch as always. Was funny to hear one of the guys talk about how his boss wanted him to work on a Friday - volunteering- and how he said to his boss that he can not because he loves his lunches with the guys so much. Me too. Still did not feel well on Friday and spent the afternoon napping. Made some leftovers for dinner.

Saturday I was up at 3:30 AM throwing up. Yup, again. For those who read my blog this in a common thing that happens every couple weeks. I am actually getting good at knowing the feeling, getting up, throwing up, cleaning up, and going back to bed. How sad. Went back to sleep for a while but got up early because then the runs set in. Saturday morning was not a fun morning. Tony spent most of the day working on the plumbing in his bathroom while I did a little cleaning and such around the house. Went out to dinner with Tony's sister and boyfriend last night. Had a nice dinner of prime rib. Felt totally bloated and spent the rest of the night with hick ups. In fact I woke up all night having hick ups.

Got up this morning and after reading the Sunday newspaper I made french toast for breakfast. Showered and made Tony come with me to the grocery store, heck, why should I have all the fun? Made some hot ham sandwiches for lunch. Tony just left to fill the truck up with gas since we are expecting another 6 inches of snow tonight and all day Monday. Most likely will take the dogs for a walk and spend the afternoon watching TV with the dogs. Feel much better today. I think the antibiotic is starting to kick in now on the fourth day. My glands are no longer swollen which was my biggest worry the last week. Tomorrow I plan on working my usual Monday and will most likely spend tomorrow night shoveling out from the snow storm.

February 18, 2009 Thursday Morning

Tony left for work around 7:30 AM with a stool sample of Stella's to drop off at the vet. Something has to change. She still has the runs. Since he left I have done a little dusting and vacuumed the house. Tried mixing some music but the songs where not mixing well. Sometimes you have to be in the right mood.

The little voice in my head is shouting loud today. I would love to hear from people as to how they have turned off that voice in your head telling you - you have AIDS. Feeling like this sucks. I still feel like I am coming down with something or something is just not 'right'. That feeling I had prior to my diagnosis over a year ago. I am tired all the time, my glands are swollen, my throat is sore, and my face is killing me from the sinus problems. Today is my second day on an antibiotic. Am I just worrying to much? Still, I just can't get past the voice telling me 'you have AIDS'. How do you silence this voice? How do I tell myself 'I am not one of the lucky ones' anymore. I am thinking about scheduling another appointment when I am at ARCW today for my board meeting with the shrink again. This time I think I want a guy, the girl I had was great, but I feel I can be more honest and get a better point of view if the shrink has a 'guys' mind. It has been over a year now and I still can not grasp some days that I have AIDS. I know I should be happy I am alive. I know meds have gone a far way and many of my friends have had this for over 20 years. How do you live with the unknown for 20 years, much less the year I have had to live with this? I honestly just want to cry most days at the thought of having AIDS. I am looking for any help anyone can provide. Is this the way I have to live the rest of my life? Is this depression? I just want to crawl in bed most days and sleep so I can not hear the voice telling me I have AIDS.

February 17, 2010 Wednesday Night

Went to work on Tuesday for a couple hours. Came home and spent the afternoon napping. By the time I got up I did not feel well at all. My glands are swollen, my ears and face itch, my sinus's and face are killing me. Made a quick dinner and went to bed to watch TV by 9 PM.

Today I woke up not feeling much better but wanted to go into work and put in a couple hours rearranging some areas of the warehouse. Worked about 4 hours and came home exhausted. Took another nap this afternoon and woke up feeling not much better. Loaded up on some cold pills and started an antibiotic hopefully to get a handle on this before it gets any worse. My biggest fear is ending up in the hospital. Going to bed soon to watch American Idol and then go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Stella still has the runs even though she has not gotten at a plant now since Sunday. Not sure what else to do. She is eating her rice and hamburger and is ALWAYS hungry. She always wants food and is getting on my nerves. It is like she has a tape worm or something, which will be asked on Saturday with her next scheduled vet appointment. Tomorrow I am not going to work. I have a board meeting for ARCW in the afternoon. Other than that I plan on laying low and getting healthy.

February 15, 2009 Monday Night

Friday had lunch with the guys. Enjoyable as always. Spent the afternoon napping. I am so tired these days. Made something easy for dinner and we both went to bed by 10 PM.

Saturday morning Tony opened up his auto body shop for the employee's, stopped off at McDonald's for some drive thru breakfast and brought it home. I then started cleaning because he got the rare burst of energy and started back working on the bathroom remodel. He spent most to the day working on the bathroom. Like I said before, when he gets these spurts I let him go. I think it might be because I once again reminded him how long this project has taken him and if he doesn't get it done soon.............I will. That is enough to get him going for a while. I mixed some music late in the afternoon. Saturday night we met Tony's sister and her boyfriend for dinner and a play. The dinner was Mexican, OK, the play was Almost Maine. I almost fell asleep it was so boring. Got home shortly after 10 PM and went to bed about an hour later.

Sunday after reading the paper and making eggs, bacon and toast, Tony started working on the bathroom again. We did make plans to take his mother out for Valentine's day late lunch. We exchanged cards over breakfast. I almost died reading his. It says: What I love most about life is the little stuff. Then you open it up and it says: Holding your hand. Walking. Talking. Snuggling on the couch. Cooking together. You know the ordinary things. What I love most about our life is sharing it with you. Happy Valentine's Day. I died laughing. I looked at him and asked him when was the last time he held my hand, walked, snugged on the couch, much less COOKED WITH ME. You have to see the humor. Oh well, he got a card. Had a nice lunch at Famous Dave's. It is a Ribs restaurant. Was good food but I always pay the price the next day when I eat ribs. Funny how it doesn't stop me though. Got home around 5 PM. Fed the dogs and spent the night watching Amazing Race and the CBS lineup. Saw Stella eating one of the plants in the living room today. Thought back and ........... wow, could this be why she is having problems? Is she eating the plants that might be poison? I threw a couple away. Raised a couple higher off the floor, and put a gate around the big ones. Jeez. It was like a light bulb went on when I saw her eating the plant. Caught her twice before in the last week.

Went to work today for about 5 hours. Spent an hour or so at home working also. I am very tired again today. Maybe it is the long winter. It has not been above 30 degrees for longer than I care to remember. Suppose to get to 31 degrees on Friday. Talked to my mom today who is in Florida. Funny to hear her complain how 'cold' it is. Jeez. Come on back to Wisconsin and I will show you cold. Not much on TV tonight since we usually watch the CBS Monday TV and it is all reruns. Most likely will watch stuff on the DVR.

February 12, 2010 Friday Morning

Wednesday night I went to a dinner meeting on Atripla. It is the AIDS cocktail I take so the information is always helpful. Plus it gives me a chance to ask any questions I may have regarding the drug. Was happy I went and had a great dinner. Got home and went to bed around 10 PM.

Yesterday was a very hard day. It started out bad. Got up around 6 AM because I had a 8:30 AM dental appointment. Have to get up at least 2 hours to leaving the house. It takes that long every day for my system to clear out. The first hour or two each day on Atripla is not pleasant. Can not remember the last time I had a good bowel movement in the morning without cramping and diarrhea for the first couple hours. Once I get through the first two hours I am good to go. Well, shortly after I got up Stella got up and could not walk on her front right leg. Since she surgery on her back left leg a couple months ago it made it very hard for her to walk and she was not happy. I can see it in my dogs eyes when they are not happy. Got her outside to see her diarrhea was not any better. So now the vet must be called. I honestly though yesterday might be her last day with me and spent most of the day in tears. Called the vet prior to going to the dentist. Drove to the dentist to find out I have a cavity and a tooth infection. Got a prescription of a mouth wash for the tooth infection and made another appointment to take care of the cavity. They could have done the work right there and then but I had Stella on my mind and just wanted to get back to her. Got home to see her not much better and called the vet to set up an appointment. Made an 11 AM appointment and called Tony to inform him he was coming along and to be home by 10:30 AM. Had a break down on the phone with him since I had reached my limit and reminded him how much I really need his help in times like this. On top of all this the ceiling in our bathroom was leaking again from the upstairs apartment shower. I can only handle so much and ended up taking an anxiety pill which helped. Talked with my sister and mom on the phone, crying the whole time before taking Stella to the vet. Tony got home and we loaded Stella into the car. Of course the minute she saw the leash she started looking better. Took her to the vet and they also could see she was not a happy dog. Took her off one med, put her on another for the diarrhea and was told to start feeding her rice and hamburger meat. I honestly thought and discussed with Tony that this could possibly be 'the time'. Brought her home and made her a big batch to last a few days of rice and hamburger meat. Gave her one of the new pills. She still has to take the Prednisone until we find out how the blood test she got again turns out. Got her resting and I drove quickly to Walgreen's to pick up my mouth wash prescription and a few items. Stella's vet bill was $218. Walgreens got me for another $100. Jeez. Spent the afternoon laying on the floor or couch with Stella comforting her. I did do a little caulking of the bathroom in the afternoon also. Stella had more rice and hamburger for dinner and we went to bed early last night watching TV in the bedroom. Was feeling the tightness in my chest from the day's stress.

This morning Stella looks much happier and much better. She only had to go out once during the night and we both got a good nights sleep. She ate a good breakfast and actually has a happier look in her eyes. Not the scared help me daddy look. She also looks less bloated. Called my mom and sister again to let them know today might be a better day. My sister is going through similar with her dog right now so we cry together and talk about our worthless husbands. Worthless might be a little strong, lets say they run the other way when things like this happen. They could be much more helpful. Guess they just don't have the motherly instincts. Makes me so mad when Tony walks past Stella not even looking down at her and says 'she looks fine'. Yah, if you don't look at the problem there is no problem. What is with husbands? Will spend the morning with the dogs and getting ready for lunch with the guys and then have to make a stop at the bank. Will spend the afternoon with the dogs. Not going anywhere tonight either. This Saturday we are going to a play with Tony's sister and boyfriend. Of course Tony wants to have dinner prior to the play which led to me having to remind him how much time the drive, dinner and play will take and Stella can not be left that long. Why do I have to always be the 'bad guy'? Oh well, we will have to see how it all turns out.

February 10, 2010 Wednesday Morning

Got up by 6 AM and began the shoveling out from the 12 inches of snow we got the last 2 days. The sun is out now. Tony plowed while I shoveled. All done. Now I just have to stay home all day and do some cleaning here and there. The news says we had an earthquake not far from here last night. I did not feel a thing. Always wondered what it would feel like though.

This morning Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga were on Good Morning America. I love Lady Gaga. With that said I have to put something in writing. As much as I am so happy people like Lady Gaga and Cyndi Lauper and many others help fight AIDS, when I hear stories about AIDS it just brings me down. That little voice in my head tells me I have AIDS all day, bringing me down, but I have found a way to lessen the voice. Any time I read or hear about HIV and AIDS it is like someone hits me with a brick and my heart sinks, I shake and feel cold. I hate having this disease. I use to be able to say I was one of the lucky ones. It just makes me want to cry. Not really looking for sympathy, just telling it like it is. Does a day ever come when you totally accept this disease? Does a time come when the mention of HIV or AIDS doesn't knock you down? God I sure hope so. Some days I still dwell on the question 'how did I get this?' Most days to be honest. I know I am fortunate to have adjusted as well as I have since learning I have AIDS. I know my meds have done miracles for my health. I just HATE having this disease. It almost feels dirty? Tainted? Not as good as someone else? Worth less?

I have a meeting tonight at Mo's restaurant at 6 PM tonight. Not sure what the topic will be or for sure if I am going. Will have to see how the day unfolds and if there actually is a meeting because of the snow. Thinking I might go back into some type of one on one therapy for a while again.

February 9, 2010 Tuesday Night

Let it snow, let it snow let it snow.
It has been snowing since last night and not going to stop until tomorrow morning.

Monday I went to work with the intent of working a long day and getting two day's worth of work completed so I did not have to go into work on Tuesday due to the snow storm heading this way. Like most plans, didn't work out the way I wanted and worked a normal Monday knowing I would have to go into work for a short time on Tuesday to complete the inventories. Unfortunately I can not do the inventory until the guys in the warehouse fill that day/week's products sold at the other locations or used on clients. Since the guys didn't have some areas pulled yet, I would have to go into work and finish the counts Tuesday. Spent Monday night watching TV. Our tenants came down at one point for a beer and to shoot the shit as we say here in Milwaukee. Put both their cars in the garage since I put my BMW at Tony's shop on my way home Monday, got the Tahoe he usually drives, since he would bring home the snow plow from work at the end of his work day. Neither the Tahoe or Plow fit in the garage, the door does not open high enough. So I thought I would be nice and let the tenants park in the garage out of the snow, no sense leaving it empty with a snow storm approaching. Went to bed around 10 PM Monday night. The snow had not yet started.

Today when I got up it was apparent the snow storm had begun. Had a couple inches on the ground at 6 AM this morning. Got showered and off to work so I could do what I had to do and get the heck home. Was home by 11 AM. Finished transferring the information on spreadsheets here at home before sending them to the owner by noon. Made myself some tomato soup for lunch and went out to do the first round of shoveling. Don't be thinking the snow has stopped or will be stopping any time soon. It kept coming all afternoon today. Took an hour nap this afternoon. Fed the dogs. Stella has the runs real bad today. She is not feeling good. Barkley wouldn't eat his food and I ended up putting it up on the counter for him to eat later. About a half hour later I hear this horrible noise in the kitchen to find Stella and Barkley in a dog fight. I had to pull them apart. My heart racing. Gave Stella a big spanking and yelled at her like crazy. I don't care which dog started it, she can do the most damage being a Pitbull to a Beagle. She should have more restraint I figure. No blood or major damage to either one, but this is not allowed in our home. Stella is in the kitchen in a time out right now. Tony is out back with the plow. I have decided to wait until tomorrow to finish my shoveling. It just keeps snowing. Plan on spending most of Wednesday shoveling out from the storm. When all is done we should have about a foot of snow from this storm.

February 7, 2010 Sunday Night

Friday Tony and I had lunch with the guys. Enjoyable as always. Dropped him off at his Auto Body Shop and then went to the bank and Walgreen's. Spent the afternoon cleaning and then took a short nap thinking we were going to a fundraiser that night. After Tony got home and I rechecked the fundraiser information I found out it is March 5th, not February 5th. So then I just made some TV dinners and we watch TV that we had DVR'd during the week.

Saturday Tony and I slept in until about 8 AM which is late for us. He is not working this weekend. I made us a big eggs, bacon and muffin breakfast. We went to State Fair Park in the afternoon to a Pet Show. All the rescues, food makers, breeders, humane societies and lots of dogs. We go every year. I love seeing all the dogs and getting all the free samples of food for the dogs. Got home early in the afternoon and Tony and I laid down for a while prior to going to a dinner party at one of the couple's house's we have lunch on Friday's with. Was a dinner party of six. Had a great time. I gotta tell you, the guys/friends I have met since last year that have helped me through this have become really close friends. I am fortunate to have met such a nice group of guys. I know they would be there for me as I for them if the time came. One silver lining in all this HIV crap. Had a great dinner and then home by 10 PM. Went to bed shortly there after.

This morning we read the morning paper, did a little cleaning and then Tony and I headed to the grocery store to do some food shopping. Bought food and lottery tickets for the week. We won $2 this week. It cost $15 a week for the tickets we buy. Been buying the same numbers for over 15 years now, our numbers have got to hit soon. Made some lunch and then saw Tony sleeping on the couch so I went to the bed, dogs all followed, and soon Tony, and we napped the afternoon away. The Super Bowl is on right now. I did turn it for about 30 seconds on the TV. Hey I am gay, not a football fan or sports fan of any kind. Now we are just watching more TV we DVR'd during the week. Have to make a quick supper soon. Have a pre made salad and making some Pizza Rolls. That's it for dinner tonight. Sounds like we are going to get hit with a big snow storm starting late Monday night and all day Tuesday and Wednesday. Could be up to 10 inches. I am thinking of just putting in a long day tomorrow and calling it a week. I am much more cautious now since my diagnosis and do not put myself in jeopardy any more dangerously if it can be avoided. I can avoid going to work in a snow storm, so I will not go and just stay home. So I might just work Monday all day and get two days work done in one long day.

February 4, 2010 Thursday Morning

Tuesday I worked a few hours at work and then at home. Tony and I went out for $1 tacos for dinner.

Wednesday I spent most of the day just laying around the house listening to music. I am really into Mariah Carey and Lady Gaga these days. Been going back to Mariah's earlier music and really enjoying it from then to her newest CD. Wednesday night Tony and I went to a dinner party at a restaurant called Sabor here in Milwaukee. It was a dinner for the corporate employees which includes me. Very different type of restaurant. If you don't eat meat, it is not the restaurant for you. Waiters walk around with 16 types of meat and steaks that they cut off at the table for you. You have a place setting that you turn to green if you want more meat, and red if your taking a break or do not want any more. It is all you can eat of all the different meats. Of course there was a salad bar and many sides, but the meat is what you go there for. I must admit I have never eaten so much meat in my life in one sitting. I was thinking this morning would be horrible on my digestive system but so far no problems. Actually wondering where all the meat I ate went. Maybe it still is in me. Time will tell. It was really nice. About 20 people. Quite pricey at $48 a person plus the drinks. I am sure the total was in the thousands of dollars for the dinner. I would go again.................if someone else was paying. LOL

This morning I got up a little after 7 AM. Of course Tony was already up and reading the newspaper. Spent the morning placing some orders for work and doing some clean up around the house. Even re-arrange the furniture in the living room for a different look. Thinking when I get the last of my duties done around here I might spend the afternoon napping. Kinda tired today. No plans until tomorrows lunch with the guys. I also made a dental appointment for next week Thursday since I have a tooth infection. I think the tooth will have to be pulled. Man I hate the dentist more than the doctor these days. Was quite different a year ago when I was first diagnosed. Now I am more comfortable, still a little nervous, every time I go to the doctor. I hate the shots at the dentist and getting a tooth pulled will result in shots or a lot of pain. I don't like pain.

February 1, 2010 Monday Night

Saturday Tony worked half the day as I cleaned the house. I also had to take Stella in for another blood test to see if her blood platelet count has improved with all the meds she is on. Spent the afternoon catching up on watching show we DVR'd. Saturday night we went to dinner at a past tenant we had new house they now own. Had a very good lasagna dinner and had a couple hours of good conversation and laughs. Got home within 3 hours for Stella.

Sunday we got up and out the house to take Tony's mom to breakfast. Bought our weekly lottery tickets and picked up some prescription for Tony at Walgreens before heading home and spending the rest of the day at home with the dogs. Ended up watching the Grammy Awards last night. Wish Lady Gaga would have won more awards. We did watch a few movies worth mentioning over the weekend. I would recommend Up In The Air with George Clooney, It's Complicated and Hotel For Dogs. All three were good movies.

Today I went to work around 9:30 getting there by 10 AM. Found out soon I had not emailed the correct updated spreadsheet I worked on last week at home to my work address so I could print it out and do the weekly retail inventory. Since I had to call Tony at noon and remind him to go home to let Stella out I had him email it to me while he was home. Got most of the inventory done and used the corrected updated ones to send the owner at the end of today. Worked about 5 and a half hours today. Feeling pretty tired and looking forward to an early night in bed watching TV. The vet did call today and tell us one of Stella's blood test did come back with good results. Her platelet count has gone from 11,000 to 268,000. THIS IS GREAT. We can start to decrease the prednisone now from 2 pills twice daily to 1 pill twice daily. Thank goodness, hopefully this means let water going in and out. Not much else to report and looking forward to doing nothing else tonight. I did make a salad and warmed up some lasagna we got to bring home from Saturday's dinner. Tasted just as good. So now, done for the day and glad.

January 29, 2010 HIV+ And Thankfully Not Single

I daily am amazed at the stories I still here from people who are alone dealing with HIV and AIDS. I am so thankful to have Tony by my side daily dealing with this. From just having someone there when you first find out to support you to dating, it is not easy and sometimes so sad. I had a conversation with a very handsome man on Monday about being single and dating with HIV. Wow, was I blown away. This man is very handsome and still has a hard time even getting a date because of his HIV status. We talked about the part of when you tell someone your HIV+ when dating. Do you date someone negative or positive? Or how not many negative people want to even start a relationship with someone positive, which is understandable to some extent. He talked about when you tell someone and what their reactions usually are. Reaction ranges from 'I will have to think about it' which never ends up good to running fast. Either way it is rejection at it's fullest. How sad. Thank god I have Tony. I often wonder if I will be alone the rest of my life if something happened to Tony. Who would want me? I will be in my 50s and HIV+. Not a good offering to anyone looking for a mate is it? If a handsome guy in his 30s can't get a date and keep a partner to share life, where will I be if something happened to Tony? It scares the hell out of me because I have never been the kind of person who likes being alone as you have read in this blog. I am so thankful Tony has stood by me, we still have a very comfortable relationship, and he still wants to kiss or have sex with me, limited as it may be. I am thankful. I can not imagine meeting a nice guy, wanting to start a friendship leading to a relationship only to be rejected over and over because you are HIV+. My grandma was my age when she lost her husband, my grandfather, and she spent the rest of her life alone with his memories. She lived to 98 years old. I would never want to be alone that many years. I still hear that little voice kicking me down every day, all day, telling me I have AIDS. The voice is not as loud as it was one year ago but there just the same. The reality of having AIDS sometimes is overwhelming.

It would be nice if my followers gave me a little insight into their relationships or lack of them due to their HIV status. Please share so we can help each other.

January 27, 2010 Wednesday Late Afternoon

Sunday afternoon after doing a little grocery shopping and getting the weeks lottery tickets we went to a bar across the street from the grocery store for a friend's kid's Birthday party. Stayed for 2 drinks and some food and got home to Stella shortly after 3 PM. Spent the rest of the day laying around watching TV.

Monday I went to work around 9:30 AM and got home by 3 PM. Had Tony come home in between around noon to let Stella out. The vet called and said her platelet count is still not increasing so now she is on 3 meds. She has to pee every 2 hours or so. Had to of course call Tony around noon to remind him to go home. Why does no one have to remind me? I got home and did a little around the house before setting some food out for Tony and I went to a dinner meeting on AIDS at Bio Script. Was a good meeting. Got home and went to bed around 9 PM.

Tuesday morning I dragged myself back to work for a 10 - 2 shift. I say dragged because I was up so many times during the night due to Stella. At about 3:30 AM I was so surprised she hadn't wanted to go out until she moved off the bed I and noticed she had peed in her sleep. On the bed. Jeez. So now at 3:30 AM Tony and I are changing the sheets once again down to the mattress. Not like I can yell at her. She doesn't even know and really isn't her fault due to the meds she is on. Poor girl. She did have a good day all day today. She actually seemed happy. Must be the good night's rest SHE got. Made home made pizza for dinner and watched the last year season ender of Lost. Can't wait till this series picks up again next week.

Today I went into work again because I had a project to work on and brought a bunch of paperwork and spreadsheets home to work on at home the next few days. I worked 10 - 2 again today. Got new price lists and sku's for merchandise we carry that I will spend the next couple days at home working on, updating the information. I love working from home, staying warm, with my dogs. Got home and after letting the dogs out I laid down and took a couple hour nap. Needed it. Stella snuggled next to me the entire nap. I think I will figure something out for dinner because I don't think I am leaving the house again until Friday's lunch with the guys. It is once again so cold here in Milwaukee. Tomorrow I think a high of 10 degrees for the day. So I will not be going outside. Now I just have to figure out what to make for dinner tonight and turn the heat up.

I received my blog in book form for the first year in the mail today. I have a book now! My first year dealing with AIDS in hard cover. I was so proud and showed Tony. Of course the first page he opens deals with something personal to him and he was not happy. I once again heard 'you don't have this on your blog for all to read do you?' I had to say yes and remind him again why I created this blog and all I have touched because of my honesty. I don't think he liked the answer but he moved on and I didn't hear it from him again. Of course he put the book down and didn't read any more. He does not follow my blog unless I point out something so he is sometimes surprised what I write. Hey, it's my life, like it or not. Now I just have to figure out who will play me when they make my book into a movie.....................any suggestions? LOL

January 23, 2010 Saturday Morning

Friday I got up and drove to Hobo to buy another box of tile / flooring for the bathroom floor since I was short 2 pieces. Stopped off at Mc Donald's and got gas on the way home. Spent the morning finishing the bathroom floor. It turned out great. Got showered and picked up Tony to go have lunch with the guys at Baker's Square. Had a great lunch as usual. Spent yesterday afternoon just listening to music and watching TV. Very low key after I did a little vacuuming and such. Tony didn't get home until close to 7 PM from work and then I made us some soup and sandwiches since we are never very hungry on Friday nights because of our lunch with the guys. Started watching a little of the Haiti telethon and got bored so we watched stuff we had DVR'd during the week until 20/20 came on and an interview with Lady Gaga. I love this lady and her music. Went to bed shortly after 10 PM.

This morning I got up shortly after Tony around 7 AM. Tony fed the dogs prior to me getting up. Only had to let Stella out to pee twice during the night last night. Tony drove to McDonalds and got us breakfast, of course they screwed up the order, seems to only happen to him. Yah, I eat too much McDonald's for breakfast, but I love the Bacon Egg and Cheese Bagel. Tony left for work after we finished eating. I did a little cleaning up. Got outside and picked up the poop from the dogs prior to the next two days of rain we are suppose to get. Rain, yuk. This afternoon and all day tomorrow it is suppose to rain and be nasty outside. Just above freezing. Pulled out some black berries I picked last summer from the freezer and am making another batch of Black Berry Jam. Used up the last of what I made. Have to boil the berries for about an hour and the jam is so good. Great on pancakes as well as peanut butter sandwiches. Hopefully Tony will come home from work around lunch as he said. Never can count on it though. Will most likely spend the afternoon laying around watching TV and after dinner head out to Brookfield for a company party we were invited to. The party is for the Brookfield Salon the company I work for is having. A late Christmas party at a bar / bowling alley. We will make an appearance but be home early due to the weather and Stella needing to be let out. Tony has a small crush on the manager of the salon. He is handsome, but needs to come out of the closet. Hate Saturday mornings when Tony goes to work. I find myself walking from room to room, staring out the window, watching the clock, waiting for him to get home. Wish I could make my own happiness and not depend on him to add to it.

January 21, 2010 Thursday Dinner Time

Monday I pushed myself to go into work. I still did not feel great but since I took off all last week due to being sick, I could not take another Monday off. Worked until about 3 PM and came home to a mess with Stella. Too much water, too much time not being let out, the prednisone. Cleaned up the messes and laid down for a while, or at least tried. Finally gave up and fed the dogs and got dinner ready. We were in bed, lights out, by 9 PM. Tony's balls were still a little sore from his surgery on Friday.

Tuesday I didn't go into work until 10 AM, had Tony come home at noon, and was home by 2:30. No messes. Did a little around the house and then went to lay down because I was still not feeling great and tired. Took an hour and a half nap. Fed the dogs and made dinner. Was too tired to go out for Tuesday taco's. Once again it was an early night.

Wednesday I actually felt a little better. Worked on the spare bedroom painting the wood trim on one side. Cleaned up the side yard which really needed, four dogs remember. After Tony got home we went to Hobo, a discount hardware type store, to hopefully by the wood for the new floor in the spare bedroom I am remodeling. Also needed to buy tile for the finished bathroom that needed the floor completed still. Ended up buying some panels you would put in a garage and tiled the floor in front of the shower and toilet today. It turned out great. Not the usual floor, but coming out of a shower it is great. Also was much easier than tiling and the clean up and work involved in that. Didn't buy the wood for the wood floor in the spare room due to the cost. Too much money right now, will have to wait. Got home quick for Stella and we went to bed around 10 PM. We did end up eating at Taco Bell prior to Hobo.

Today I finished working on the bathroom floor, of course I need two more sheets so it is not totally completed. Damn. Why is it so hard to just finish a project? Took Stella to the vet for another blood test to check her platelet levels. Hopefully she is getting better with all this Prednisone she has to take and all the peeing and drinking of water she is doing. Got home with Stella and laid back for an hour listening to radio before I was out the door again to go to my monthly board members meeting for ARCW. Two hour meeting. Picked up my monthly food at the pantry in the basement and drove a board member home with me that lives down the road. Put all the groceries away and since being home Stella has been outside 3 times to pee, jeez. Making a quick dinner and hoping to just watch TV all night doing nothing. I don't feel great again today. It has been two weeks now and four days on an antibiotic. Will this ever end? I hate feeling sick. Maybe lunch with the guys tomorrow will help?

January 17, 2010 Sunday Night

Tony finally called me about 12:30 PM to pick him up at the hospital from his surgery that morning. I went and got him and then drove him to his auto body shop to drop off some keys the employees needed to open up some doors. The keys were in his coat pocket locked in a locker at the hospital or I would have taken care of it myself. Drove him home and spent the rest of the day taking care of his every need. Had to fill the ice pack he kept on his crotch most of the day and night. He wanted to show me, I said not yet. It's a guy thing when it comes to the balls. Watched a bunch of movies, Uncle Sam, The Hurt Locker, to name two. The Hurt Locker was good. I could never do what they do. Never.

Got up early Saturday morning and made Tony a nice big breakfast and got him on the couch with ice. He did end up having to go to the shop later in the afternoon, but for the most part I was able to keep him on the couch resting. The pain pills help. He is doing OK. Watched more TV and stuff we DVR'd. Ended up sometime in the afternoon watching Snakes On A Plane again.

This morning I got up and made pancakes. Showered and went grocery shopping leaving Tony on the couch. He is much better today. Colored my hair to get a little of the grey out. Once again I am so sorry I did. My head now itches so bad I want to pull my hair out. Since taking Atripla I just can not color my hair. My skin must have changed. I even put some color on my chest hair and my chest now has a red rash where I colored. I told Tony a little while ago to remind me the next time I want to color my hair, to just say no. Went to see the movie A Single Man with some friends this afternoon at a theater down the street. Went out to dinner for pizza after the movie. Movie was good, company was great. Two of the guys we have Friday lunch with. Now we are just watching the award show on TV and soon to bed. I do have to go to work this Monday and Tuesday. I have to make some money to pay all these damn vet bills. Still haven't gotten the blood results back for Stella. If the vet doesn't call tomorrow, I will call them. Tony showed me his balls today. They are not black and blue or anything, just the one is very swollen. Yuck.

January 15, 2010 Friday Morning

Wednesday I had to take Stella back to the vet for more blood work. Another $200. Should get the results today. Spent the rest of the day napping with her and the rest of the dogs until I went to a meeting about Adherence to taking our HIV meds. Was an interesting meeting and a good meal.

Yesterday I got back into the spare bedroom and continued painting and getting it into a den or office. Made meatloaf, mashed potato and corn for dinner. Went to bed early because we had to have Tony at St Mary's Hospital by 6:30 AM for his testicle surgery.

Today we were out of the house and at the hospital on time. Tony is under the knife as I write this post. Just waiting for a call from him to come get him. Sounds like he will be recovering all weekend in pain. Lots of ice packs I am told. Hoping he calls soon so I can drop him off at home, get him comfortable, and go to lunch with the guys. Told the guys I might not make it today because of Tony's surgery. Will most likely spend the weekend very low key. Got to keep Stella calm. She seems to be handling the meds good and getting stronger. Hopefully the blood results will be good news, I am hoping.

January 12, 2010 Tuesday Night

Watching the nuts on American Idol. Why do I love this show?

Did not go to work this week. I still did not feel well on Monday and since I must put myself first I decided to stay healthy and at home. Ended up taking Barkley to the vet late in the afternoon because he has a sore on his foot. Ended up buying him more food, having his nails cut, anal glands cleaned, rabbis and distemper shots..................$220.00. Jeez. Made some spaghetti for dinner and went to bed around 9 PM.

Today I got up still feeling very tired and having stomach problems. Did not work again today. I did start painting the spare bedroom. About half way through the day I noticed Stella's ears so red from her scratching them they were almost bleeding. Called the vet and got her in right away because of a cancellation. Well, not good. On top of the ear problems she has a rash or bruising going on on her stomach. She has had problems in the past with her platelet count and I think it is happening again. Her bad cells destroying her good ones. We got it under control about a year ago. In fact right after finding out about my blood problems we found out about hers now that I remember. I would hate to loose her. Anyway, guess how much? $240. Yup, on top of the $220 I spent yesterday. Wow, there goes Kali's teeth cleaning any time soon. I will learn the blood results from Stella by tomorrow afternoon. Hope for good news, please.

Just going to stay around the house again tomorrow. I do have a dinner meeting. Counting down the days until Tony goes in for surgery, this Friday.

January 10, 2010 Sunday Night

Spent the weekend having terrible stomach problems. Feels like there is a fire in my stomach and bowels. Woke up this morning with the runs. Saturday late afternoon we did manage to leave the warm house and venture into the Milwaukee cold and meet some friends at a classic car show. Within minutes of being there Tony had to go to the bathroom and almost 2 hours later he still couldn't find us. He really pissed me off. Thankfully I had our friends to help control my anger. Drove home not saying a word to each other. Ordered some food from a local delivery restaurant. I had the potato soup hoping it would be good for my stomach. It was not. I ended up going to bed shortly after 9 PM because I felt so terrible.

This morning I woke up feeling the same. Jeez, is this the stomach flu or something worse? Pretty much laid around the house until Tony and I went to Pick And Save and did some grocery shopping. Making ribs and baked potato for dinner and a salad. It will be an early night of going to bed and watching TV in bed tonight. I am so tired and still just feel like crap. I did get all the flu shots so I am hoping it is just a cold. Hoping to work tomorrow, most likely a shorter day than the usual Monday unless I start to feel better.

Saturday morning I found a web sight called Sharedbook.com which can turn your blog into a book. I am having the first year printed as a book. Wow, I will have a book. LOL

January 10, 2010 Saturday Morning

Had a pretty rotten day on Friday. Woke up around 2:30 AM to go to the bathroom and went back to bed feeling OK. About 5:20 AM I woke up and knew that feeling. Ended up throwing up again that morning. This seems to happen every two weeks or so. Anyone else have this problem on Atripla? It does not appear food related since there is no common food doing this or food group. Stayed in bed until about 7:30 AM and then got up to see Tony off to work. He had already fed the dogs by this time. After he walked out the door I went back to bed for about an hour until the unfinished shoveling of the 8 inches of snow we got that night got me out of bed and bundled up so I could shovel the front sidewalks and back parking area. Tony plowed the alley but there was a lot of clean up still needed. Pushed myself along to get the job done. My stomach felt like someone punched me or it was on fire. After spending some more time on the toilet I went back to bed for an hour or so. Finally got back out of bed around 11 AM and showered to get ready for lunch with the guys, our regular Friday lunch. I wasn't going to miss it since like I have said many times, it is my therapy. Had a good lunch. Ate soup and grilled cheese sandwich. Dropped Tony off at his shop and within an hour of being home I went back to bed. Slept the afternoon away only to wake up feeling horrible. Wrapped myself in a blanket until Tony got home around 7 PM. Made Tony some Spaghetti O's for dinner, yah, bad husband. I finally made a bowl of chicken noodle soup around 8 PM for me. It went down OK but my stomach hurt any time I even drank water. Went to bed around 9:30 PM last night.

Tony was up and out of bed by 6 AM today. I stayed in bed until around 7 AM. Fed the dogs and soon Tony was out the door to go to work again. I did have a little 'talk' with him last night about the amount of hours he is again working. He had quadruple heart bypass surgery about 4 years ago and I got him after that to cut down on his hours. Slowly he is creeping up to high again. We don't need the money 'that' bad that he has to work that many hours. Life is to short. I plan on going back to bed after this post since Tony is working a half day. All four dogs love to sleep with me cuddling on the bed under the warm blankets since it is so cold here in Milwaukee. This afternoon we are meeting a bunch of the guys at a classic car show at State Fair Park. Indoors of course. I have no interest in the cars, just the friendship and the men at the show for eye candy. That will be it then for the day. Tony and I just realized yesterday that he goes in for surgery next Friday on his testicles. Jeez, here we go again. Will try to write again soon. Sure hope my stomach starts to feel better.

January 7, 2010 Thursday Night

One year ago my life changed forever. I remember the day well. I called the doctor to get my HIV test results because he had not returned my call from the previous day. I was told by the nurse I had to come in and get my results. I knew this was not good. I remember trying to get to the doctors office as fast as possible and my heart racing. I remember hearing those dreaded words - 'your test came back positive'. I remember the feelings my body and mind had. I remember having to call my partner of 20 years and let him know he needs to meet me at home quickly. I remember telling him and dropping to my knees at the reality - crying and shaking. A week later I found out I actually had AIDS.

It has been quite a year. I am still here. I am still alive. I find myself smiling and having good days to balance out the bad. I would not wish my last year on anyone but I also must add that I have met, emailed, and become best friends of some of the nicest people anyone would wish for in their life.

I guess I am trying to say...........I made it. I am now undetectable. I now have less side effects. I now can get through the day without that 'little voice' destroying my day by reminding me I have AIDS. Shortly after my diagnosis I honestly was ready to kill myself. I am so glad I did not.

Thank you to all my followers and friends who have gotten me through this first year. I could not have done it without you.

January 6, 2010 Wednesday Morning

Tony left for work early this morning since he was up by 5:30 AM and I got up shortly after 6 AM. So now it is almost 7:30 AM and I have already fed the dogs, watered the plants, straightened up the house and on my second cup of coffee. I have to leave the house today and go to walgreens as well as a local jewelry store since tomorrow we are suppose to get 6 to 9 inches of snow during the day. So I better get everything done today so I can lay low during the storm tomorrow. The minute Tony walks out the door it feels like part of me leaves with him. I feel lonely and alone. Even with four dogs at my feet and all their needs, I still feel lonely when Tony is not home. I wish I was more happy being alone. Tonight we go to see the play Dreamgirls here in Milwaukee. It is the broadway production. I have seen the movie and play in the past. It was on this years yearly subscription. It will be entertaining and who doesn't look forward to the part where she starts singing the main song the made Jennifer Hudson famous. Since it is so early I guess I will shower up and wait for the stores to open and make my rounds. Still have to vacuum the house today and pick up the dog droppings outside before the new snow arrives. I worked Monday a few hours and less yesterday. I took Kali to work with me yesterday since I knew I would not be at work long. She was an angel like always. Went out for dollar tacos last night for dinner. I am so tired of the snow and cold.

I think back to one year ago today. I remember it well. Last year on this date I remember very well leaving a message for my doctor to call me with my blood results from the prior week. I was very much looking forward to hearing I was HIV- and what the blood results determined. It was my last day being HIV- in my mind. The doctor did not return my call that day and it was tomorrow, one year ago that I was informed I needed to come to the doctors office and get those dreaded results. What a year it has been. I think I knew somewhere in my head that the results were not going to be good. I knew something was wrong with my health. Even so, those words...'your results came back positive' are never forgotten.

OK, time to pull myself together and stop feeling sorry for myself. My mom sent me a book she read called 'A Travel Guide To Heaven' by Anthony Destefano. Since her and I talk about heaven and death she sent it to me because it gave her great insight. I have read already the first four chapters and trying very hard to keep an open mind. The book is describing Heaven. Well, if I believed in God I guess believing in Heaven would be much easier. Heck, I would love to believe a better life full of color, friends and family, but would a God really let all this suffering happen in the world. It is my biggest stumbling block. What loving God would allow all this suffering? I wish I could resolve all these feelings. I used to say the Lords Prayer prior to going to bed every night until about a year ago. At that point it was the final nail in the 'there can not be a God coffin'. I will finish the book and most likely read a lot today and tomorrow. I will try to keep an open mind, heck, what's the alternative? Darkness and nothing?

January 3, 2010 Sunday Night

New Years Eve Tony and I did end up going to a bar in Downtown Milwaukee to bring in the New Year. A friend picked us up and dropped us off so we had no excuses for the cold. We were home by 1 AM. Most friends didn't show because it was so damn cold here in Milwaukee and has been all weekend. Had an OK time but would have been happy to just stay home.............note to self, stay home next New Years Eve.

Friday we laid around until we got showered and had lunch with the guys. Was more than usual due to the holiday and no work. Had a very long and wonderful lunch. Laughed for about an hour and a half. Love my lunches with the guys. Tony and I went grocery shopping after lunch since we were not about to go out in this cold again. Spent the rest of the afternoon watching the movie Clerks 2, was not so good but slightly entertaining. Went to bed early with our heating pad on and nice and warm under the covers.

Saturday Tony informed me he was going in to work all day because two customers cars needed to get finished and were not due to the holiday. I decided to make the turkey I got from the food bank. Never made a turkey before. Used the 'in a bag' method and it turned out pretty good. Unfortunately by the time Tony got home around 6 PM it was quite dry from being carved and staying warm. Oh well. I thought it was good. Went and saw the movie Nine at the movie theaters. Was ok but not as good as Chicago or other musicals out at the theaters. Tony even fell asleep and needed to be woke up a couple times with the jab. It was more like Moulin Rouge than Chicago in style I think. Would have rather seen many other choices available at the theaters. Had dinner at a restaurant prior to the movie which left little room for the large popcorn. Also spent some time in the afternoon at a neighbors house catching up on her Christmas and New Years stories. Her family conflicts are always worth a laugh or two.

This morning after reading the Sunday newspaper I made Tony and I breakfast. Shortly after I showered and met the neighbor so we could go to Best Buy and look at laptop computers for her as well as wireless routers. I volunteered to give as much advice about them as I could. Ended up getting a really cute kid that was very very helpful and spent at least a half hour with us. The neighbor ended up buying a laptop, wireless router and a wireless mouse. I ended up buying a wireless mouse. I love it. After I got home I spent about 2 hours at her house helping her set up the laptop and internet connection. She is happy. She bought a Gateway and it works very good. Walked across the alley to come home and it was so So SO cold. Saw Tony sleeping on the couch so I curled up for a half hour power nap on the bed. Of course all four dogs soon followed and it was a cuddle fest on the bed, me and and four dogs to stay warm. Have to get this done so I can make Tony and I dinner, just making turkey sandwiches and stuff. Then it will be a bundle up and watch TV night.

One year ago today I had the dreaded blood test that on January 7th, 2009 the test results changed my life forever. I think of these things all day. Thursday should be an interesting day of reflection.