March 20, 2009 Friday Afternoon

WARNING: TODAY'S BLOG TOPIC IS ABOUT SEX. IF YOU ARE SQUEAMISH TO THE SUBJECT PLEASE SKIP TODAY'S BLOG.
I will try to be as delicate as possible with the subject. With that said. Tonight I am hoping to take Tony out to eat and find a quiet corner to talk about a subject we have really not touched on in this blog much less needs further discussion between Tony and myself. Sex! Tony and my sex up to January mainly consisted of me giving him oral sex while I please myself. It was mutually pleasurable. We are not into anal sex and have not since 1992 when I had hemorrhoid surgery. Since then it has not been pleasurable or an option. Tony was never into receiving anal sex or giving oral sex. He is more of a lay back and please me kind of guy. It has not been that bad of an adjustment since I enjoy my part (giving) and Tony has found pleasure in his part (receiving). Since January everything has of course changed. We have broke down and had sex about once a week. We use to have sex almost daily. Since January I have only given Tony oral sex with a condom on him. Now I am not sure if any of you have ever sucked on a condom, but it is as fun as sucking on a balloon. Even the strawberry flavored condoms are horrible. This past week in the middle of it all I just could not continue to suck on the condom and we ended up finishing ourselves off laying next to each other. It was very frustrating for both of us and we have not addressed the subject since then. Here is my dilemma. My doctor told us that with my next blood test I will most likely be undetectable which means the HIV virus has been lowered to a point that can not be counted. This is good, but does not mean I still do not have HIV or could give it to someone else. He further told us that receiving oral sex from an HIV+ person is the safest of sex since you can not get HIV from saliva. So the chances of Tony contracting HIV from me while I am giving him oral sex is as slim as winning the lottery. In fact there are no known cases of anyone contracting HIV from receiving oral sex. I would never let him or anyone else give me oral sex ever again due to the fact I would not want to infect anyone else. I am still fearful of giving him HIV. My problem is: Is it fair to Tony that he must make a choice at 48 years old to either not have sex ever again with me, wear a condom and have less pleasurable sex, or take a slim chance of contracting HIV from me if we continue as we were prior to January. I know Tony will say something like 'I am not afraid' or 'it is worth the risk, I love you'. Is it? Can I take that risk? Could I live with myself knowing I gave him HIV? I am having a hard time with this but the fear of never having enjoyable sex ever again at the age of 47 is scary. I would not want to give HIV to Tony or anyone else. Realistically, even if Tony contracted HIV today, his heart would probably be the thing that does him in, not HIV, since he would live longer on the meds for HIV than having a bad heart. But can I do this to him? Should I just let him go? Should I let him have affairs on the side? Is any of this fair to him? He offered last weekend to take the condom off, I just couldn't let him. Sex is a big part of any relationship, so saying we can't every have sex again without a condom is hard to swallow, no pun intended. It will not be an issue till the middle of April when I get my next test results that will hopefully show I am undetectable. But it is something that has to be talked about and addressed. I know there are couples out there that for one reason or another stop having sex because of one or the others issue or problem. Is it fair to tell someone he can no longer have sex the rest of his life when he is the innocent party? I am really struggling with this. I am about ready to tell him it might be best for him to find someone else and enjoy his life. It doesn't seem fair that my problem should now become his. Any advice?