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This week is not starting out good. I had good intentions but they have not played out. Had a misserable day yesterday. Was able to get up, shovel the 8 inches of powder snow, and out of the house by 10 am for my therapist appointment. Came home totally exhausted and still had cramping and stomach problems. Layed on the bed at 12:15 and couldn't believe when I woke up and saw it was after 4pm in the afternoon. Made Tony dinner and was back in bed by 9pm watching TV. Today I canceled my appointment with my case worker for this morning because my bowels and stomach, much less I am so tired I can hardly walk from one side of the house to the other without being out of breath.
You are not about to like what you read next but I didn't create this blog to say happy things all the time. I created it to let out what is going on in my head since 2009 started. Maybe a day will come when I will look at this and re read how low I was at this point.
Had an honest talk with Tony last night about the fact that I really do not think I can live the rest of my life like I feel now and that if things don't get better I can not guarranty I will be here for my 48th Birthday. Yah yah, don't be calling the suicide squad. I promised Tony I would stay around long enough for us to say we have been together for 20 years this March 21st, 2009.
But after that, what is the point. My life is so pityful it just doesn't seem worth it. My mornings are horrible from the dizzyness, cramping and irritable bowel. My afternoons I am so tired all I can do is sleep. My evenings are filled with more cramping, tiredness and feeling of worthlessness. The thrush is back in my mouth and I am losing weight faster than I ever tryed in the past. I am down to 166 from 186 the first of the year. I've had 2 good days in the past 2 months. I can not even make future plans because I don't know if I will even be up to the task when that day comes. This is not the way I planned on living my life or do I want to. My future dreams are gone. I use to think someday with my parents money I would open a dog rescue on a big plot of land somewhere warm. Now that dream is gone too because I do not even have the strength nor desire to go through all that would be involved. I look at my four dogs now and wonder how I will get through their deaths when the day comes with my health so fragile. Tony and I talked last night that we will not ever get another dog when these four are gone. All I want to do is sleep. And I am soooo cold all the time, even with a heating blanket. Even typing this is a struggle because I just want to go back to bed I am so tired. Nothing seems worth the point anymore. My therapist says I am depressed. DUH! If I had something that might get better in time or be gone in time it would be one thing, but I am never going to get this AIDS out of me, ever. I will never be able to stop taking the AIDS cocktail or I will get sicker. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? The only light I see is the one I will see by my hands. The only time I feel good or better is when I am sleeping. I fu*kin hate my life.
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well here it is. Of-course you are depressed. You have had your life turned upside down and it is making you feel like shit. Loosing weight is not such a bad thing. If you can go outside and shovel snow and make dinners and clean th ehouse I say you are doing pretty good. The spring is coming Dave and you will feel so much better. You counts are going up so that is good. I think some of the stomach problems might be nerves as well as what you eat. ( Burritoes from Mcdonalds) That is enough to give anyone the shits. I know you ahve anxiety pills but I think it is time yo ask for an anti-depressent. there are so many out there and they make a world of difference in your attitudee and feelings.
ReplyDeleteDon't count your days Dave. Just do one day at a time. Ya, ya, I know you think it's easy to say.
But you have a lot going for you and you have someone to help you through it.
LOok for the positive, not just the negative.
You are the only one who can convince yourself that you are going to beat this. Be a statistic for longevity... not giving in and letting it take over. Depression can wipe you out. It is what is making you sleep. I sometimes don't want to get out of bed in the daytime. I am up all night, and go to bed when Danny gets off to school. But today as I was walking my dogs I saw the pussy willows starting to bud and it changed my attitude just like that. I came home and started ripping my house apart and cleaning. You have alot of years ahead if you just get ovet this hurdle. Things will straighten out.....really. jo
May I begin by saying this blog is driving me insane. I spend 1/2 hour writing a comment and it gets freakin' lost somewhere. Yeesh!
ReplyDeleteNow on to your public spanking young man.
Yeah, you were dealt a bad hand. Yeah, you do not feel well. Yeah, the drugs aren't working perfectly YET. Yeah, you are sad. Yeah, you are tired. Yeah, you are throwing yourself pity parties every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with life and do it now!
The medications for your disease are much, much, better than ever. They may take a while to get your body in tune with them. They may need adjustment to work properly, but they will work. There are millions of people that take medication daily to live. It becomes part of your daily life. There are millions fighting to live daily and damn it, you better put your mind to it that you are going to join them.
Go to your mirror and look in it, really look in it and say outloud, "I am worth it. Tony is worth it. I am loved. I can do this. I WILL do this". Say it loudly and clearly and BELIEVE it. Do it every day until you do.
Surround yourself with positive people, not negative people. Go to a park, watch children playing on swings and running around laughing. Remember when you did that? Do it again! You can do it. You can enjoy life. You can fight this freakin' disease. Not only can you but you MUST!
Tony might talk to you lovey-dovey but I'm not. I'm gonna give you the facts, just the facts.
You have a disease for which there are medications to take care of it. You are sad. You are tired. You are angry. You are losing weight. Okay, we know all that but what we don't know is why you don't want to fight this with all you have. Sitting around and thinking about it constantly isn't going to do anything other than depress you more. Get some happy pills, face up to what is going on and keep living. Do you know how many people are diagnosed with a disease and told they have 2 months, 4 months, 6 months at the most to live? Millions do and I'd bet that most if not all of them fight their asses off to live. Shame on those that give up, life is worth living, not shunning and then leaving those that love the person thinking it was their fault the person didn't want to live.
Smile Dave. Just do it!!!