April 30, 2009 Thursday Night

My back is killing me, my mind is mush, and my eyes are having a hard time focusing. That is what a day on the computer will do to me.

I made a ton of updates on my new web page today. My most recent addition is my own chat room: http://pub19.bravenet.com/chat/show.php?usernum=1588914237&cpv=2 Stop by and say HI. You can also find a link to it about half way down on the main web page. http://gaydavemilwaukee.angelfire.com/ I will try to remember to log on when I am home.

I think everyone can find a link or news story of interest in one of the News Menus.
http://gaydavemilwaukee.angelfire.com/ You will find CNN Headline News, World News, Top News US, Milwaukee Weather, HIV/AIDS Headline News as well as Entertainment News.

Don't forget to check out the links in my personal Welcome section. You can find a link to our kids page, our pictures, recently received emails, the 'Fun Page' as will as a link to a Beautiful Men page. At the 'Fun Page' you can find links to Jokes, Daily Horoscopes, Quotes of the Day, This Day in History, Word of the Day and Odd News. The Beautiful Men page is very clean. They are my personal favorites. Also don't forget to check out links to Queerty, Washington Blade, POZ.com and The Body.com to name a few in your spare time or at work. What kind of husband would I be if I didn't also mention the link to Tony's auto body shop Downtown Auto Body. http://www.downtownautobody.net/

Have fun. I welcome suggestions. Be kind. I hope to see you in my chat room. And don't forget to sign my guest book. http://htmlgear.tripod.com/guest/control.guest?u=gaydavemilwaukee&i=1&a=sign

April 30, 2009 Thursday Afternoon

Hello, been very busy creating a web sight. You can view it at:
http://gaydavemilwaukee.angelfire.com/
It is a work in progress. All the links should work. I encourage any feedback.
You can also access my blog from the web sight.

My direct blog address is: http://daveslifelivingwithhiv.blogspot.com/

It takes a long time to create such a sight. You can see links to our 'kids', pictures of Tony and I, links to important news information, as well as a link to Beautiful Men and The 'Fun' Page.

Enjoy. I plan to update it daily and expand it as time permits.

Let me know what you think: djones2659@att.net

April 28, 2009 Tuesday Afternoon

My new email address is:
djones2659@att.net
please make a note of it and change your email address books

April 28, 2009 Tuesday Morning

This will be my last post using Warner Cable. I will have a new email address as well as a new cable / internet service by the end of today. We are switching to AT&T Uverse. Please watch for the new email address I will receive and post. Please, then, update your email address books or email accounts. Thank you.

With that said. The AT&T person is suppose to get here between 10 am and noon. How many want to bet he/she gets here closer to noon than 10 am? Isn't that how it usually is?
Went to bed early again last night even after taking a 2 hour nap yesterday afternoon. Still woke up this morning tired. Got up at least 5 times last night to pee. Been taking my Flomax for the last two weeks but the prostate problem seems to be getting worse even on the Flomax. Will have to check with the doctor if this continues. Tired of getting up 3 or more times during the night's sleep to pee. Tony took Stella to work with him today so she doesn't feel the need to 'taste' the Internet installer. Wouldn't want that to happen. I am sure they would not be as understanding as Jack was. Sorry once again Jack. I did start a web page yesterday spending about 2 hours creating it on google. Do not like what I can or can not do as a web page so last night I started a different one on Angelfire like we have Tony's Downtown Auto Body web sight on. I know how to create it better at Angelfire since I have been using it for years updating Tony's web sight. When I get it to the point of posting the link, I will. Still can not figure how to get the links to stand out better than just at the bottom of the page. The tentative name of the sight is Gay Dave in Milwaukee. I hope to have the sight contain a link to this blog, updates on news events of interest, a humorous page for laughs, as well as a forum or place to post letters from others living with HIV or AIDS. It will be a work in progress. Any suggestions are always welcome. What would you guys like to see at the web page? Please let me know.

Have a good day everyone. Not looking forward to this switch over since I will have to change my email address with everyone I talk with, every post I have made, and every web sight we go to and get updates from. Should give me plenty to do the rest of the day after the installer leaves. Hence, you might not hear from me for a while.

April 27, 2009 Monday Afternoon

Sorry I have not posted sooner. I did write a huge post and when I was uploading the photos the computer froze, so I am starting over. I had a weekend to remember.

Sunday Tony got Jack at the motel and brought him to the house where we were all showered and ready to begin the day. We took some pictures out front with the cars and then went to breakfast at the restaurant Tony and I go to for our Friday afternoon lunch with the guys. We then took Jack (and his bitten leg) to the airport and said goodbye, me in tears. Suzanne, Erin, Tony and I then went to The Domes here in Milwaukee. Three domes, one with flowers, one dome is a rain forest, the other dome is desert. Got some nice pictures and had a good time. Had not been there in many many years. We went home and just laid around for a while till we took them to the airport in a downpour around 4:30 Sunday afternoon. Tony and I were in bed by 9 pm Sunday night. I was exhausted. Today I got up, went to my therapist and told her all about my fantastic weekend and after a little lunch took a 2 hour nap. I could go right back to bed I am still so tired.

Thank you Suzanne, Erin, Jack and Tony for giving me a weekend to remember for a lifetime. I will never forget what you guys did and I thank you more than words can say. Tony and I look forward to seeing you all on your home turf this fall - did you hear that Byron and Michelle?

I posted a few pictures from the weekend below :

April 25, 2009 Saturday Night

Had a great day with Suzanne, Erin, Jack and Tony in spite of the rain that seemed to never end. We did get a little lightning and thunder so that is good. I love thunder storms. Picked Jack up and brought him to the house and watched a little TV and videos before going to the Miller Brewery Tour. We have lived in Milwaukee all our life and never been to one so it was really about time to do it. It was very informative and fun. The three big full glasses of sample beer at the end made it even better. Came home and watched a little more TV and videos till we went to dinner at Palarmo Villa, an Italian Restaurant. Had a great dinner. Came home and watched Jeff Dunham on video, his Milwaukee Christmas special from last year. Had some good laughs. Tony is taking Jack to the hotel while Suzanne and Erin get ready for bed. It is only 10:30 PM here but they are still on Eastern time so it is 11:30 in their heads. And I thought I go to bed early. Had a great day today. Tomorrow we will pick Jack up, go to breakfast, and then drop him off at the airport around noon. Will probably take Suzanne and Erin to the Three Domes in the afternoon prior to taking them to the airport around 5 PM.
It has really been an unbelievable weekend so far.
Have to say. A few months ago I was ready to end it all. I am so glad I didn't. Makes me see there is so much more in my life and it would be an unbelievable mistake to do something stupid and miss all this fun. Hopefully anyone reading this can take that away with them. As bad as things may look at any time, life is worth living. Don't let a low point in your life let you think that it will always be that low. If nothing else, there is no where to go but up. If you follow this blog you know how low I was, I am not there today.

April 25, 2009 Saturday Morning Jack Video

Here is the video that Jack took as he approached our house yesterday.

April 25, 2009 Saturday Morning

The girls are just getting up and Tony is off to pick up Jack so I thought I would at least post 2 pictures. The first pic is Jack, Suzanne, Erin, Tony and I clockwise at the Milwaukee lakefront yesterday. The second picture is of Erin, Suzanne and Jack doing a tap dance in order to get into the Safe House restaurant since they didn't know the password to enter.

April 24, 2009 Friday Night

I don't even know where to start but I will type fast because I am so tired and can't wait to go to bed. I know Michelle for one has been waiting for a post. I knew Suzanne and Erin were flying in to Milwaukee today. But I had no clue that Jack was also flying in from Maine. NO CLUE.
So, I pick up Suzanne and Erin at the airport and the first thing they say is that the airline lost their luggage and it will be delivered to the house around 2 pm. OK. No big deal. So at 2 pm a car pulls up. I guy comes up the sidewalk with a suitcase and a camera. He states he forgot his clip board so he has to get it on video that the suitcase was returned. OK. I figure it makes sense. So he keeps videoing and then starts asking me strange questions like 'Do you like OJ?'.
What? Do I like OJ? I looked at him and said 'Orange Juice'. He said, 'OJ'. I was just dumb founded at this point and he said 'say into the camera you love OJ'. So I said it. At that point he looks at me and says 'do you know who this is?'. I am still so confused. He looks at me and says 'I'm Jack'. Now I have never met Jack. I have talked with him on the Internet for about 15 years and seen pictures and such but com on. Why would Jack be here from Maine. It took me a long time for my mind to put this together and it was unbelievable. He got the whole thing on video so tomorrow we will get it on the computer and post it. I was on cloud nine all afternoon. We sat around for a while and about a half hour later I looked at Suzanne and said 'so we aren't waiting for luggage'. I still was so confused. We then took the 65 Cadillac out and drove around Milwaukee. Took them all to Tony's Auto Body Shop and then home for about an hour before we went to dinner at The Safe House. It is a spy theme restaurant. We went out to a local bar for a drink after dinner and then went home. Suzanne and Erin called it a night a little after 10 pm and Tony took Jack to his motel room. I tried to talk Jack into staying here but I do not think he liked Stella giving him a nice bite on the leg as he came out of the bathroom at one point this afternoon. Almost drew blood. But he is OK. Stella got a spanking and a huge time out. Poor Jack. He took it so well. Here he flies to Milwaukee from Maine only to have my dog bite him as he is here at the house. So tired I have to go to bed myself. Will post pics and video when I have time. Looks like the rain is coming sooner than we thought. Michelle - wish you were here. Jo, you would love these guys.

April 24, 2009 Friday Morning

Had a great Birthday. Very low key but that is fine with me. We ended up going to Pitches' for dinner last night. I had a huge 12 oz steak. I was so full by the time they brought a piece of cake I could hardly eat any of it. Managed to force down a small piece of my cake prior to going to bed. Was very good. We have lots of cake if anyone wants any.

Got up around 7:30 this morning and got into final cleaning mode. Got what needs to get done finished and took a shower. Tony is home from opening the shop and now I just need to get him in the shower and soon we will leave for the airport to pick up Suzanne and Erin. Weather has changed a bit. Looks like today will be the best of days. Saturday only a half day of nice weather till thunder storms are suppose to come in. I do love thunder storms, but would be nice if they hold out till later in the day. Will have to show Suzanne and Erin around Milwaukee this afternoon while the weather is nice. If you do not hear from me much over the weekend it is because I am being a terrific host. Will take lots of pictures and let you all know how the weekend went when time permits. Have a great weekend everyone. I know I will. Yes, I will.

April 23, 2009 Thursday Afternoon

Drove to one of the finer grocery stores in the area and bought a ton of fruit for the weekend. Then went to Shorewood, to a bakery, and bought an expensive cake for tonight for my Birthday. Bought some coffee cakes and breakfast stuff for the weekend also.

Spent the afternoon on the couch with the dogs just listening to some favorite songs on the computer that I have downloaded. When I got up there was the following email from a guy named Anthony. I am posting his email because it is a perfect example of the emails I get from people finding this blog. I post it to show not only that you are not alone in your feelings, but to show others who are not dealing directly with HIV how this disease effects us physically as well as mentally:

"my real name is anthony i am 21 living with hiv new to it. i get so lonely sometime where no one can help me through it my boyfriend will never understand how hard it is for me , he get sad to know . i have told a couple friends and my parents but none of them really care, my boyfriend is my only support i think if i lose that i will go crazy. please dave help me in some way i dono what to do , like what i need to do with my health,everything i am new. thanks so much please write back"

I think a light bulb went off or got brighter after I replied to his email. I am going to spend my life helping others cope with the physical and mental effects of this disease. I am going to look into either updating this blog to include more links or start a web page that has much more content and help for those needing it. Maybe even an advice page. Will have to give some more thought, but that is where I am heading. It feels good to help others and I think there are more than enough people out there who need it. Stay tuned. The sun just came out here in Milwaukee.

April 23, 2009 Thursday Morning

Happy Birthday to me. I don't turn 48 till another 45 minutes or so. I was born on a Sunday April 23rd, 1961 at 10:06 AM. Have to ask mom if she just woke up that morning, went to the hospital, and of course probably a very easy birth. LOL. Hope she wasn't in labor all night.

Finished the last of the big cleaning already this morning. Got most of it done yesterday. Have to shower and go shopping for a Birthday cake. Going to hunt down a good cake this year. Not one of those cheap ones where the frosting sticks to your mouth. I want a good butter cream cake and think I deserve it. So I told Tony I would handle the cake. Told him all he needs to do is buy me a card and be nice to me this weekend. Tonight I think we decided to spend big bucks and go out to dinner at one of the most expensive restaurants here in town. Butches. Yup, that's the name of the restaurant. Has the best steaks in town, but very pricey. Phone just rang and was a friend inviting us out tonight to a local bar for a few drinks. Will have to see if we can fit it in but said I did not think so due to I don't want to spoil a good steak dinner by not being hungry after drinking. Will have to see. Was nice to be thought of.

Got an email yesterday from a guy in Seattle Washington asking to use parts of my blog in a HIV/AIDS seminar he is giving at the University next week. Told him I feel honored and to take what he think will help anyone. Told him that is the reason I started the blog.

Today I am grateful for:
1. Waking up with Tony and our dogs happy and healthy
2. Good friends and family that have shown so much support
3. That it is sunny and getting warmer
4. The cleaning is for the most part done
5. Living to the age of 48

April 22, 2009 I Dreamed A Dream Lyrics

I just love this song and played it nonstop even before Susan Boyle. In fact Les Miserables is my favorite play. I play the soundtrack at least once a week. I cry like a baby every time I see the play. I don't know why, but it really is 'the' play that for whatever reason seems to hit me. I've seen it 3 times and would see it again and again if it came back to town. The last time I saw it I was smart and brought a ton of kleenex.
So, I thought I would take a cleaning break and post the lyrics. The song means more today than it did even a few months ago. I found myself many many times playing this song in the last few months screaming out the last four lines of the song as it played.

There was a time when men were kind
When their voices were soft
And their words inviting
There was a time when love was blind
And the world was a song
And the song was exciting
There was a time
Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high
And life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hope apart
And they turn your dream to shame

He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came

And still I dream he'll come to me
That we will live the years together
But there are dreams that can not be
And there are storms we can not weather

I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

April 22, 2009 Wednesday Morning

Good Morning.
The sun is out and summer is on the way. The weatherman this morning said it should be sunny and 50 degrees today. The weekend forecast has been updated, they are now saying it will be 80 degrees in Friday and 75 degrees on Saturday. Pretty remarkable considering we had snow flakes falling yesterday. Unbelievable. Suzanne and Erin need to visit more often. The good news is hopefully all this warm weather will be moving Eastward towards some of you. Today and tomorrow are cleaning days. With the sun coming in this morning boy do I have some work on my hands. As you can see I am procrastinating big time. Got a little Mariah Carey and Leona Lewis playing on the stereo, they play very well together. Almost sound the same at times. Tony took Stella to work today to protect the guys at work today and get her out of my way when cleaning. Now I just have to get the other 4 to stand out of the way. When I sit on the floor and dust the low stuff the dogs often think I am down there to play with them. Silly dogs. Wish I could hand them each a dust rag. OK. Gotta start sometime. Off to cleaning.

April 21, 2009 Breaking News

About a half hour ago Tony called to tell me he would be a little late getting home from work due to the fact that when they went to leave the shop tonight 2 Hispanic kids were in one of our cars trying to steal the radio and stuff much less the car. So Tony and the guys stood in front of the car doors and wouldn't let them get out till the police came. Two of the kids sisters came over and starting screaming and shouting to 'let them go, they did nothing'. Well, we will let the police decide that. Right as the police pulled up the two kids tried to escape and run. Tony's brother tackled one of them and the police tackled the other. I took Stella with me to check out the action just in case we needed her to scare the heck out of them. How exciting hey? Thankfully we got them. The sisters kept saying their mom would take care of punishing them. We kept saying 'she can punish them all she wants after the police are done with them'.

April 21, 2009 Tuesday Afternoon

Dinner at Bio Script was nice. There were about 25 people who attended. The topic was letting your health care provider know everything so they can prescribe the medicine needed depending on your life schedule. Since the meds need to be taken at certain times of the day and with or without food some who work non traditional hours have a hard time staying compliant. Next months meeting at Bio Script is on drug resistance. Very important topic and can not wait. Would like to know how long I can be on Atripla before my HIV starts to work around it and I have to move on to another cocktail.

Got up this morning and drove to Hobo to exchange the wrong light for the bathroom mirror. They had one more left so all went well. Hung the mirror, unfortunately when I was tightening the light globe it cracked. Moved the crack to the area not seen. Jeez. All that work and within minutes I break it. Stopped off at Walgreen's to pick up prescriptions. Only one of two was called in so I will have to go back later today or tomorrow. Came home and made a little lunch. I then went outside for no longer than 10 minutes to do something outside. When I came back in the house the full, unused loaf of bread on the stove was no longer there. The wrapper was on the guest bed. Bread gone. Looks like Stella took it upon herself to eat a full loaf of bread in 10 minutes time. Bad Stella. She did get a spanking and yelled at. Took a long nap this afternoon since the weather sucks here in Milwaukee today.

Tonight Tony and I have photo presentation to go to at MSOE. They are featuring for one night only the pictures of us from the Shall Not Be Recognized picture display. All the people featured are invited and encouraged to attend. The theme tonight is Putting A Face On Marginalized People. We like to support things like this so we will be there to sign autographs. LOL

Here is a link to the pictures of Shall Not Be Recognized. Our picture and story is within the clips. http://www.shallnotberecognized.org/

Took a couple of pics of the bathroom and bedroom. Due to not being able to get a good shot I am only posting one pic. Please keep in mind we still have to tile and finish the walls and ceiling. I will try to take some better shots. Wednesday and Thursday I have blocked off as cleaning and dusting the house. Have to get it looking good for our weekend guests. Today we had snow showers but I am so excited that by Friday it is suppose to be 72 degrees and sunny and Saturday much the same till a cold front comes in late Saturday night. So that means 2 perfect days to show Suzanne and Erin Milwaukee. I am so excited about this weekend and can't wait. I only planned one thing so far, yes, I know, not the Dave you've come to expect. Made dinner reservations at the Safe House for Friday night. I am going to take the advice of others and let the weekend unfold as it does. Will have some things in mind like a walk along the Riverwalk downtown, but for the most part, no plans or planning. Very tired today, but I think it is the weather and lack of sun.

April 20, 2009 Monday Late Afternoon

Got up around 7 am this morning and got Tony off to work. Did a little cleaning after a quick phone call with my mother. Left around 10:30 for my therapist appointment. Talked about the horrible dream I had and how the week went since my last appointment. We tried to figure out what triggered the dream with no luck. Made myself a peanut butter jelly sandwich for lunch and went to lay down and take a nap. Woke up about 3 hours later. Slept more than I usually do when taking a nap. Now I am drinking coffee trying to jump start my brain that is in a total fog. It is a rainy day here in Milwaukee, perfect day for a nap. Have to make Tony something for dinner and then I am off to my dinner meeting at Bio Script Pharmacy. I hear these are very informative meetings once a month, plus the dinner is suppose to be great. Will let you know. No word yet from Social Security. Would be nice if I get the 'yes' letter on my birthday. Would be a nice Birthday present.
Tomorrow I have to return the mirror we bought on Saturday. The light that is suppose to go with it can not be the light. It does not attach to the mirror. So they must have given us the wrong light. Should be fun since Tony can not find the receipt and swears he never got one. And why didn't he make sure he got it from the cashier when he paid for the stuff - good question. Hopefully they will just give me the correct light and that will be it. Will set Tony up to watch Dancing With The Stars when I am gone tonight. Tony is so easy to please when it comes to TV. He will watch whatever is on. So when I go to meeting like the one tonight I put the TV on the channel I know he will enjoy and want to watch. Hopefully I should be home by 9 pm at the latest.
An email buddy today suggested that I write 5 things a day that I am grateful for. It is called the Gratitude Journal. He got the idea from a book he read. Sounds like a good idea and will give it a try. 1. That I woke up with Tony by my side. 2. My dogs woke up happy and healthy. 3. I was able to get to my therapist appointment. 4. That I was able to have a nap with my dogs this afternoon. 5. That I will get a good hot meal tonight at the meeting.

Hey, its my first time listing what I am grateful for! LOL

April 19, 2009 Sunday Night

Pulled myself together and made eggs and cinnamon bagels this morning for breakfast. Watched a little TV before we went to a lighting store that is huge to see if anything caught our eye for in the bathroom. Lots of cool stuff but came home with no light. Stopped off at Conejitos, a local Mexican restaurant that we go to frequently for some food. (I know, Mexican food again). They have great Mexican food at a cheap price, they serve the food on paper plates which is their trademark. The food is always great and you sit cafeteria style with others at your table. Just ate a little and did not add any sauce. Was raining pretty hard by the time we got home. When we walked in the door Barkley was limping and not fully using his front right paw. He must have hurt it by probably snagging a toe nail in the carpet or jumping down from something. He seems to be getting better as the day is going on. I started straightening up the spare room, unfolding the spare couch bed and getting sheets and blankets out which got Tony continuing on the walls in the bathroom. He is still working on it now. When he gets into these work moods I stay out of the way and keep a bottle of beer full for him. I'll have to get a picture tomorrow of the bathroom as it stands and the spare room, which is the last room to remodel, look at this time. It seems there is always something to do. This summer I am hoping to paint the outside of the house, first floor only, too dizzy for the ladders and going to the second floor or the high roof peaks. Have to hire someone for that. Looks like rain the beginning of the week but on Friday it is suppose to be 70 degrees for Suzanne and Erin's arrival. Saturday is a bit cooler and possibly rain, but that's a far ways off and not worth worrying about at this point. Just happy to see a warm front is coming for their visit.

Saw my rabbit under the front pine trees again this morning and afternoon. We never had rabbits in the 20 years we have lived here till recently. I think they are so cute. Been buying and throwing some carrots under the trees for him/her for over a week. I think it lives under the Model T. It brings a smile to my face during the day when I see it eating the bird seed outside the front window. Saw it run across the street the other day and almost screamed. Dumb rabbit. Stay in the yard.

Forgot to mention another difference in my body in yesterdays post. When Tony and I were sitting out on the side deck and then went for a drive with the top down I had to wear a baseball cap and put sunscreen on cause I just wasn't comfortable being in the hot sun. Sat in the shade under the umbrella on the deck cause the sun was just too hot. It was only about 70 degrees yesterday and I already could not stand the sun. I never was a 'lay in the sun' kind of guy but have noticed now that the meds I am on limit the time I can be in the sun even more. I have never been a happy guy out in heat over 85 degrees, I bet that is even more noticeable now. Should be interesting to see as the summer unfolds. Been told not to be in the sun too long while taking the medications I am taking. Just another adjustment in my life I guess.

Tony has been asking me for weeks what I want for my birthday. Told him the only present he needs to get me is to 'take Friday off work'. He deserves a three day weekend and that way he can drive us to the airport on Friday to pick up Suzanne and Erin. My Birthday is Thursday, and I will be 48 years old. Where did the years go? I think he will take Friday off. Probably just open the shop and get the guys working. Tonight is Desperate Housewives and Brothers and Sisters. Hope to have a dreamless night tonight.

PS. Thank EBlogger for spell check or you guys would be laughing away at some of my spelling.

April 19, 2009 Sunday Morning - Last Nights Dream

Woke up last night at 2:15 AM screaming out loud as I woke "I don't want to die in my dream" over and over and in tears. Had one of the most vivid and horrible dreams last night since starting on the Atripla. It was horrible. I woke up screaming out loud and crying. Had to get up and about 15 minutes later take a Valium because I could not stop crying and was so shook up. Even laid in bed for a while longer with tears that would not stop. I am going to try to explain this dream as best I can but keep in mind that dreams do not always make sense. I did get up and started writing it all down on paper as much as I could remember so I will look over my notes and try to tell the story. It was that vivid and that profound.

In the dream it was like I was having a dream in a dream. The dream was as best I can describe as a cross between Ghost and It's A Wonderful Life. At the beginning of the dream I was doing things with people and living my life. Or so I thought. Then at one point in the dream Tony came to me and told me I was dead. He told and showed me I was really not a part of what was happening in the dream because no one could really interact with me because in reality I was dead. I kept saying to him 'I don't want to die, I don't want to die in my dream'. He kept trying to show me I was not alive anymore and already dead. I just could not accept it that I was dead. It made me so sad that I was dead and Tony was still alive and that we were not together anymore. He had to show me I was dead. I remember him looking at me saying 'You died in your dream' so vividly. No one else would say anything in the dream, just Tony telling me over and over again that 'I was dead'. The dream ended as he and a group of people watched me disappear into nothing, just kind of fading away. Kind of like the show Without A Trace does in the beginning. I could see myself fading away farther and farther from everyone and was screaming 'I don't want to die, I don't want to die' over and over till I woke up still screaming this now out loud.

I have never had a dream affect me like this. It was so real and hit too close to home. I do not know what I died of in the dream but of course I can assume. I still am having a hard time holding back the tears now it was that vivid and real. Always remember being told it is not good to die in your own dreams. Anyone want to give their opinion on what this dream meant?

April 18, 2009 Saturday Night

Got up this morning with more of the usual bowel problems, irritable bowel, spastic Collen, and hemorrhoids from all the above. Little more severe today. Sometimes feel I spend most of my morning in the bathroom. Thankfully I have a magazine rack in there. Finally took a pain pill and a hyoscyamine .375 MG to settle things down. I know this always works as a last resort. By noonish I felt a little better so we took a drive in my Mustang Convertible to a discount home furnishing store to see what they had in bathroom lights, mirrors and cabinets. Tony always drives which I tend to like especially now that I do not always feel my mind is working 100%. Ended up buying a real cool mirror light combo I have never seen before. It is unique. Got some fast food at Taco bell and took the long way home to enjoy the 65 degree weather here in Milwaukee with the top down before it gets cold again tomorrow. Sat outside and enjoyed the deck for a while till the wind shifted off lake Michigan around 4 pm and the temperature began to drop. Tony fired up the gas grill and made burgers to go along with the pork and beans. Even made some scrambled eggs to go on the burger. Yes you read that right, if you have never tried it, try it. Make a burger and put a scrambled egg on it. It brings out the flavor like you would not believe. One of my favorite restaurants makes their burgers with an egg made to order on top of the burger. Add barbecue sauce and a little bacon and I am in heaven. First time using the grill this summer. Neither of us were all that hungry from the late Taco Bell lunch. I have to eat dinner around 6 pm ish so I can take my third round of pills for the day that need food and still have an empty stomach when I go to bed around 10 pm and take my Atripla, which should be on an empty stomach. Been watching stuff we DVR'd over the past weeks.
I think today's bowel problems were punishment for eating too much fruit yesterday that I bought that morning at the grocery store. I love fruit if it is fresh. Grapes, apples, oranges, strawberries, blackberries, mixed sliced combo of melons, and an occasional banana. If it is old or bruised it is then good enough for Tony. LOL. I wish it was not true but he will eat anything. So he knows the fresh stuff is mine. So I always eat too much right after buying it because in a few days it just won't be 'fresh enough' for me. Apples and oranges are of course a different story.
Tony is already snoring on the couch and it is just 7:36 pm. Guess I'm in for a fun night. He misses so much TV and then the next episode comes on and he wants to know what happened and how did he miss it. You were sleeping! It has started to drizzle now and the weather does not look good through Monday. Rain tomorrow and Monday.

April 17, 2009 Sink Update

The bathroom sink off the spare bedroom now has hot and cold running water. The plumber showed up right after lunch and finished it. Suzanne and Erin now will have running water in their bathroom off their bedroom. Doesn't take much to make me happy these days. If we weren't having visitors who knows when that step would have gotten completed. Now we just need walls and tile. But that can wait......................till tomorrow, LOL.

April 17, 2009 Friday Morning

Woke up this morning feeling very tired and in a fog. Having a hard time getting going. Did force myself to run to the grocery store and buy some fruit for the weekend. Was in and out of the store. It just sucks how you can have a good day like yesterday and then wake up today feeling the total opposite. Not sure why. I got a good nights sleep last night. Just wish the good days were more consistent. One thing that makes the grocery store enjoyable on a Friday morning is that the firemen at the local fire departments are usually throughout the store shopping for the weekend at the firehouse. Always a few worth looking at.

Hope your reading the comments like I am. Got two very nice comments and some emails yesterday from followers. Your comments and emails make this all worth while. Thank you for taking the time to post your comments and email me. I try to reply to emails as soon as possible. I don't usually reply to comments, know that I do read them. I do also go back and see if any new comments have been added from anyone on past days if they just found this blog.

Sent Stella to work with Tony this morning. It is going to get to 70 degrees today in Milwaukee. I actually have a couple windows open it is already so nice out. In fact on my way home from the grocery store I put the top down on my Mustang. Tony will bring Stella home when he comes home to pick me up to go to lunch with the guys on Brady Street. I really look forward to our Friday lunches with the HIV guys and their partners. It is so uplifting.

Have no plans this afternoon which is fine with me. Maybe just read a little outside and enjoy the warm. Tomorrow it is suppose to be just as nice, Sunday a cold front comes through and the warm weather is over for a while. No plumber again today.

April 16, 2009 Thursday Night

Had on OK day today. Didn't leave the house. Did a little of this and a little of that outside because it almost was 60 degrees here in Milwaukee. Tomorrow it is suppose to be even warmer than today, of course that all changes Saturday with a cold front and a 25 degree drop.
Spent a little time on the computer mixing some music. Haven't been in the mood to mix music in a long time, probably since January. I guess it is a good sign. Made a full CD mix of a bunch of dance songs I have recently downloaded. Will have to see if I can somehow post the mix or a link to it. Took a little nap later on this afternoon. Not a lot to report about today. Can't even think of a negative thing to say. Tomorrow is Friday, Tony has less than a week to get that plumber guy over here again to finish this sink. No show again today.

April 15, 2009 Wednesday Night

In case you have been living under a rock and have not seen the video of Susan Boyle, you must go to the following link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9lp0IWv8QZY
This lady will have a single and album out very very soon. WOW. I love the way the judges and audience faces change in amazament as she sings.

April 15, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Got up with an upset stomach, most likely due to the Acyclovir starting yesterday three times a day. Have to make sure I take it with food. Got Vito to his nail appointment. They took him in the back so I could not see him, the vet techs said he was for the most part good. Picked up my new prescription of Acyclovir to take three times daily. Would have run out using the old prescription in a matter of days. Had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. Sitting there eating I noticed with the sun out today how much the windows needed washing. Washed/cleaned the front bay window, sliding doors in dinning room and kitchen, and bedroom windows - inside and out. Had to rest between each window. Wow. I can not believe how hard it is to even wash windows without feeling exhausted. Did a little dusting. I never liked cleaning. It seems the more dusting or cleaning you do the worse another area looks. LOL Much less, now the windows are so clean it is so bright in the living room you can see all the areas that need cleaning. Think that will be it today though. Very exhausted.

Have to tell you, the good thing about this blog is the comments and emails I have received. I have heard from someone as far away as Singapore. Can you imagine being gay, much less having HIV in a country where it is still illegal to be gay? Where your emails or blogs might be watched by the government? It has been very enjoyable to exchange emails with this person and others. Very interesting to learn about other people's lives much less their hurdles in life. Most email express how terribly lonely it is to be HIV and single, much less the stigma attached to HIV and AIDS. Many are not as lucky as I to have someone like Tony for support, much less any physical contact. Makes you wish you had big arms so you could reach out and give them a huge hug. Amazing to me how really strong some of these people are and they do not know it. You have to be unbelievably strong to go through what some people I have heard from have told me. Maybe someone will make a book out of my blog when I am gone.

Going to go rest on the couch for a while. Have my HIV support meeting tonight. No plans tomorrow yet, but you know me, I am sure something will come up or have to be done.

April 14, 2009 Tuesday Afternoon

Got Tony off to work and after my shower I ran to Walgreen's to pick up a prescription. They know me well at Walgreen's since I seem to be there at least twice a week. Went to my dentist at ARCW because I had thought I cracked a tooth. Good news is I did not crack the tooth and nothing needed to be done. Bad news, well, I don't know, good news, new news? is that my dentist says what we thought was Thrush is really Hairy Leukoplakia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hairy_leukoplakia
It is an opportunistic infection and seen in people with 'severe defects of immunity'. The dentist told me my Fluconazole would not help it and it will go away once I get healthier in time. He told me to call my doctor and see if it can be discontinued. Well, I called my AIDS doctor and he said that I should continue taking the Fluconazole once daily (was just told last week by my regular doctor to take it twice daily) and continue to take the Acyclovirm, but now 3 times daily. Just last week this same doctor told me I could stop taking the Acyclovir twice daily. I am so confused. Anyway, I will do as told so now I take the Acyclovir 3 times daily (back to Walgreen's for more tomorrow) and the Fluconazole 1 time daily. So now I will have worse stomach problems since the Acyclovir is not kind to my irritable bowels.

Picked up my monthly food at the ARCW pantry. Five bags of groceries. Good stuff from freezer, to can goods, to produce. Came home and gave the deck another look. Took the railing apart and removed every other spindle. It won't be up to code, but its not like we are selling the house anytime soon. At least now the rail spindles are farther apart and the pond can be seen better from the house. At this point I am happy. And we all know that's what matters most. LOL It was an easy fix and didn't cost any more money.

Got to start dinner soon. Might have the strength to cook. Cloudy and drizzle today in Milwaukee, but after today it starts to look good. Sixties by this weekend. Got all six dogs down here with me again today. Of course they are already looking at me because it is after 4 pm and they get fed at 5 pm. Wish they could tell time and stop bothering me till it is feeding time. TV tonight: American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, Law and Order SVU, then a little news and off to bed. Tomorrow I have to take Vito to the vet for his nail trim. This is not a fun event. Honestly, it takes me, two vet techs, and a muzzle to cut his nails. Then when it is over he goes nuts and wants to bite everyone in retaliation. The little shit thinks he is a big dog. Will let you know how it goes.

April 13, 2009 Monday Night

I just read Suzanne's comment to the earlier post so I couldn't resist posting these two recent videos from last weekend of the dogs playing. They are short. I hope Erin likes dogs.
You might have to fight them for your bed at the end of the day.

April 13, 2009 Monday Afternoon

Got up this morning and headed to home depot to see what I could do about replacing the spindles on the deck railing. I can not see the pond from the dinning room because of the railing. Thought if I used skinnier spindles or something I would be able to see the pond better. Did not find what I wanted. Hmm. Going to have to move the deck or move the pond. LOL

Went to my therapist appointment at 11 am this morning. Spent most of the appointment in tears talking about how I feel and how I see my future. Told her I just wish I didn't have this in me. Hate myself for screwing up my life. I had a very good life and f*cked it all up. I just am so mad at myself. Forgiving myself won't make me AIDS free. Feeling like I will never be fully the person I was prior to the diagnosis or the person I always dreamed in the future. Talked about that the only place I feel safe is in my home. If I am away from home too long I start to panic or get a panic attack. Told her how lately I have a very hard time concentrating on anything. Even made as simple addition mistake on a deposit slip. It was simple addition. Never made a mistake like that before. I couldn't believe the slip when Tony showed it to me. My concentration is so bad that when I try to do something for example like google a word or medication I have to keep going back to the word over and over because I can only remember 3 or 4 letters at a time. It is very frustrating. We are trying to figure out where these feeling come from and what starts them. We are trying to figure out the triggers that start me on this downward spiral of thinking. I think it hits me every time I just can not do something I want to do or too tired to do it. Yes, I get through the day, but these thoughts are always eating away at me.
I always felt I was on top of my game and now I do not feel that way. Also talked about the stigma of HIV and AIDS. Why the total mind f*ck when you find out your HIV positive? Is it the same when someone finds out they have cancer, leukemia, etc? NO. People still look at HIV and AIDS as something someone deserves to get because of their actions or bad decisions. You can't blame someone for getting cancer. The only thing comparable is when someone smokes and they get lung cancer. The sentiment is the same. The person should have known better. So you have so much more crap to have to deal with. Heck, I would have no problem with telling someone I have cancer, not the same telling someone you have HIV or AIDS.

Spent the afternoon doing a little cleaning and getting the TV working in the spare room so Suzanne and Erin can watch a little TV in bed if they choose. It actually crossed my mind the other day that since Tony and I have never been out east maybe we will this fall fly to Washington DC, and then travel up the coast to see everyone I have not met from my Internet group. I know I keep saying someday, well, I think I better make some day come sooner rather than later. Just making left overs tonight from the two Easter dinners this weekend. Starting to drizzle here in Milwaukee. Tomorrow isn't suppose to be any better, but the end of the week is looking good. Sixties by Friday, Hurray! Will just settle in and watch a little TV tonight. Been watching 6 dogs today, yes, 6 dogs. Our four, the upstairs dog, and a friends for the week while he is out of town for his mothers funeral. Six dogs is a lot to have at your feet all day. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. Think I cracked a tooth. First visit at my new dentist at the ARCW center.

April 12, 2009 Sunday

HAPPY EASTER !
Tony and I had a nice afternoon at my parents house on Saturday. Got to see my two sisters and families as well as one of two brothers and the folks. I do like getting together with my family. Watching the kids search for Easter eggs outside that mom hid was the best part. To be young again. Spent a quite Saturday night at home, I think Tony was snoring on the couch by 8 pm. I got us all off to bed a little after 10 pm. The day totally exhausted me.
This morning woke up very dizzy and it still has not gone away. I walk around like my 98 year old grandma did making sure I don't fall or trip over a dog. Made a quick trip to Home Depot this morning with Tony to buy a faucet for the bathroom sink. As I had thought, the plumber guy need pipe cement half way through the project on Friday, an hour into working, said he had to go get some, and never returned. Thought we better get the faucet so when we finally get him over here again he can hopefully finish the project and plumbing. Going to Tony's sisters house in a little bit for an Italian Easter. Pasta of course. Hopefully we will not be there long since I am having such a hard time just walking today. Not sure why. Feel totally off balance.
Hope everyone has/had a Happy Easter.

April 10, 2009 Friday Afternoon

"We're not there yet, but making progress" were my doctors words this afternoon when he called me to tell me the results from my latest blood test this week. We just tested the viral load this time around. Next blood tests are in June and they are a full panel including T Cell count.
My current viral load is 100. My doctor says we are making progress since in January my viral load was 335,000, in February my load was 1000, and now in April it is at 100. So the Atripla seems to be doing what the doctors want it to do. I am happy with the news but was hoping to be undetectable. That is always the goal. Got Stella's blood work results today also. She is doing great. Her blood count is at 324,000 and should be between 164,000-510,000. So now just one half prednisone a day for a month till her next round of blood tests.
Went grocery shopping this morning and bought a ton of fruit. Apples, oranges, green and purple grapes, strawberries and blackberries. The seedless purple grapes are so good. I wish I had bought more since I've already ate about half the bag and Tony hasn't even gotten his hands into them yet. Had lunch with the boys on Brady Street today. Ended up having a lot of good laughs. Well needed laughs. Got our plumber friend over at the house right now hopefully working on connecting the sink in the bathroom off the guest room so Suzanne and Erin at least have a sink and toilet. Won't have tile and be a pretty bathroom, but it will be functional, hopefully. He is not finished yet and always finds an excuse to not finish a job and then ends up missing in action for days. Thinking about just ordering a pizza tonight for dinner. Have a new Toppers Restaurant in town and haven't tried their pizza yet. All depends on what Tony wants to do and how much energy he has after his long day at work. I know I am tired and would like to just stay home and watch TV. Was sunny today in in the 40s. Strong winds off lake Michigan kept it feeling cold today in Milwaukee. Saturday we spend the afternoon at my parents house for Easter, Sunday at Tony's sisters house. Our tenant is taking care of the dogs during the day while we are gone.

April 9, 2009 Thursday Afternoon - Update

Just wanted to update you on most recent events. First off, and most important is that Tony was negative on his HIV Rapid Test this afternoon. One less thing to have to worry about at this time. Second, I went down and applied for food assistance and will get $200 each month on a debit card from the State of Wisconsin starting last month. I have to tell you that even though I am most grateful for all the assistance I am getting that I have applied for, it is pretty unbelievable that when you add up the food assistance, food pantry, health care/copay and prescription full reimbursement along with the energy assistance, I am actually bringing into the household about what I did when I worked full time. I guess there is one upside to being diagnosed with AIDS. (Had to find a silver lining in it all) Now I am not complaining, just astonished. But then again, I have worked full time since I was 16 years old and will be 48 this month. I think I have paid my dues and taxes as much as the next person if not more.

To anyone in a financial / life change like I find myself in, my words of advice today are: There is help out there. Seek out all and any assistance. Take the time to apply. Most initial applications for assistance can be filed online. Keep your ears open when people talk about this information. And do not give up. Help is out there, you just have to do a little work to find it. I think also worth noting is to realize you DO deserve it. And one final thought. If your state does not allow gay marriage, then your partners income should not matter. They can't have it both ways!

April 9, 2009 Thursday Afternoon

Had a good meeting Wednesday night. Was someone I had not met before at the meeting. Always nice to hear another persons daily ups and downs and how they deal with them. Got home and watched a little TV before going to bed. Once in bed I realized I must have chipped a tooth recently and it is cracked. Made a dentist appointment at ARCW today to take care of it next week. This will be my new dentist since my diagnosis in January. Can not go back to my regular dentist anymore since I have AIDS. Got Stella to the vet this morning by 10:30 for her blood test. Hoping we both get good results by the end of the week on both of our blood tests. Have to leave soon and meet on the southside to file for food share. Yah, more hand outs. Spent most of the late morning filling out my Social Security/Disability paperwork. Man do they ask the questions and want detail. Like what do I do from the time I wake up till the time I go to bed? Can I go outside the house? Can I cook? Can I clean? etc. About 10 pages long. Think I got it all done, will have Tony look it over tonight before I mail the paperwork. This afternoon Tony and the guys at the shop all get a Rapid Test done for HIV. Tony was scheduled for his now that it has been 3 months since his last test, right after I found out my status. He is making the employees take the test also. Should be an educational experience since the employees are all straight. Time they see what us gay people go through. Guess it is just a skin prick and the results in 20 minutes. WOW, I remember years ago having to wait two weeks for results. Cross your fingers Tony and the employees are all negative. Will let you know the results when I get them. Sunny and in the 50s here in Milwaukee. Good enough for me. Now if I can just get this tooth to stop throbing.

April 8, 2009 Wednesday Afternoon

Got up early this morning and after Tony went to work I went to Menard's to purchase a new security light for on the back garage and a couple other things. After I got home I took down and installed the new light on the garage. Can't wait to see if it works when it gets dark. Cross your fingers. Played around the pond and changed the fountain and how it looks. Then I was tired and took a little nap on the couch with the dogs. When I got up I checked my email to see an email from my visitors that are coming to Milwaukee April 24-26. I was honestly shocked to see that she and her partner are not just driving by Milwaukee on their way somewhere they are actually flying in from Washington on Friday to Milwaukee and flying back on Sunday. I am so excited and confused. Why would anyone fly to Milwaukee rather than a warm beach much less to see two old farts like Tony and I? LOL. I am going to plan a very nice weekend for them and show them Milwaukee. Have to come up with some plans and find out where the Lesbian bars are here in Milwaukee. Got some other ideas and will see if they are of interest and just how much they want to do that weekend. On the list so far is tours at the Harley Davidson Museum and a Brewery Tour, Friday Fish Fry? Going to have to rack the brain and see what else is going on around Milwaukee that weekend. I am really excited about this since when she visited last we had a good time and she is a good person with a good heart. I also can not wait to meet her partner. Jack and Michelle have you figured this out yet that Suzanne and Erin are coming to Milwaukee? I just hope by then the weather is nice. Tonight I have my group meeting and tomorrow I have to take Stella back to the vet and have her blood tested again. Between her and me we are keeping the labs in business. Can't wait to get my results from yesterdays blood test, will let you know when I find out. Have to go feed the dogs since they are at my feet to remind me, like I would forget to feed them. They sit here just looking up at me. They start this about 4pm and get fed at 5pm. Sure wish they had a better sense of time rather than when their tummies are empty.

April 7, 2009 Tuesday Night

Did a little rewiring of the cables around the house and through the basement this afternoon. Next week we switch over to AT&T from Warner Cable. Looks like if we bundle all with AT&T it should be cheaper than Warner Cable and get a lot more TV channels. In fact we will gain the gay TV channels in the package like HERE and LOGO (I think that's what they are called). So I separated the back bedroom TVs from the rest of the house in anticipation. Should have a new email address that day of the switch (preparing you-April 14th). Hopefully I will just be able to change the wi.rr.com part to att.com. Nothing is ever that simple. Look for an email from me next week with the new email address since as of the day of the switch I will loose my wi.rr.com email. Then just found things to do the rest of the afternoon. Had a pretty boring afternoon. Tonight Tony went to a painting meeting so I am home alone. Been a long day home alone, don't like having the night alone also. I could never or would never want to be a single person, just to lonely. Call it co dependent I don't care, but I would never want to lose Tony. You can only look out the front window and watch the cars go by for so long. Makes me realize just how much I need, want and love him on nights alone like this. Watching American Idol, I think Kris is a hottie. He should have picked a different song. Hope someone else is worse, hate to see the eye candy leave the show. Will watch Dancing With The Stars after Idol and probably Law And Order SVU before going to bed. Tomorrow I need to get to Menard's sometime during the day since I have things going on Thursday and Friday. Our back parking dusk to dawn light thinks it is night 24 hours a day and won't go off. I am sure the Electric Company appreciates the money but since the light is on sale for $25 including the bulb I think it is worth swapping it out. I think we got our life out of the old one since it has to be over 5 years old. Tomorrow night I will leave Tony alone when I go to my Wednesday night HIV support group meeting. Wonder if he misses me when I am gone as much as I miss him when he is gone? I think he enjoys the time home alone. Difference is I am already home all day alone so it is just more of the same. Will write sometime tomorrow.

April 7, 2009 Tuesday Morning

Got up this morning and was to the hospital for my blood test by 8 am this morning. Just wanted to get it over with. Been cleaning around the house since then. Great news, another state has made gay marriage legal. WOW, never thought this day would come. You can read about Vermont legalizing gay marriage below:
http://www.queerty.com/breaking-vermont-legislatures-overrides-governor-veto-legalizing-same-sex-marriage-20090407/#comments
I bet he religious right is just going nuts. I love it. Going to spend the rest of the day just hanging out around the house working on projects. No other plans today. Will try to write later. High five Vermont!

April 6, 2009 Monday Afternoon

Took one of my anxiety pills last night prior to going to bed since I had such a rough day. Woke up this morning feeling in a fog. Took a shower. As I was taking a shower in our walk in shower and washing my hair I felt something brush up against my leg. Well, we watch way to many horror movies. Scared the hell out of me till I got the soap out of my eyes and noticed Kali standing next to me enjoying the warm water. Gave her a quick cleaning and then leaned outside the shower to dry her off so I could continue with my shower. No time at all Kali was back in the shower with me. To funny. Called my regular doctor and was at his office by 9:45 this morning for the thrush that seems to be coming back. Doctor wants me to start taking my Fluconazole 200MG twice daily instead of just once daily till the thrush is gone. From there I went to Walgreen's to drop off the prescription and off to my therapist appointment at 11 am. Had a lot to talk about since my week went down hill as it progressed. One of the things we talked about was the fact that I just can not drink alcohol anymore with the meds I am taking. Not a big deal in itself since I am not a big drinker, but it is just one more thing being taken away from me. Also talked about the fact that since I can not drink I do not feel like going to a bar and how is that fair to Tony. Since we do most things together we do not go out to bars apart. Not ready to have that change anytime soon. So somehow I need to resolve this in my head that it is a 'choice' rather than something taken away from me. Not sure how we are going to get there. Also realized watching hospital or doctor shows such as the ER final only heightens my anxiety, especially when a story line hits close to home. Told her I even have failed at quiting smoking since I am back to that. In fact when I asked my doctor for Chantex this morning he told me it would not be a good idea because of all the side effects I already have from the AIDS meds it would be better for me to continue smoking or cut down at this time rather than try to quit. That's two doctors now that have told me not to quit smoking cigs. Oh well, figure the cigs aren't going to kill me at this time today or tomorrow. Doctor didn't want me adding any more stress to my life at this time. The doctor also told me once again that I am handling all this better than most and that it usually takes about a year and a half for someone to come to terms with their HIV/AIDS status. Its been only three months for me. I joined another support / informational group today that meets on Mondays monthly which includes a big catered dinner I am told. First meeting is the end of the month. Guess each month a different restaurant sponsors the dinner/meeting. Came home and got a little done, ate some lunch and took a nap this afternoon. Very tired again today. Tony should be home soon so we can drive to Waukesha for the Humane Society ground breaking. Going to have to bundle up since it is in the 40s here in Milwaukee today. Guess my dad is helping with parking cars and my mom and sister are involved also. Should be home early tonight and can not wait to go back to bed. Tomorrow I get my blood tested again, just the viral load. Should have some results the beginning of next week at the latest. Will let you know. Kinda scared since I feel worse than I did a couple weeks ago.

April 5, 2009 Sunday Night

Saturday was sunny in the morning but turned cloudy late afternoon. Spent the morning just doing little things around the house. Gave Barkley a bath. After lunch Tony and I took Barkley and Stella to the tennis courts down the road so we can lock the gate and let them run. Took a couple of balls with us. After we got tired of going from side to side to get their thrown balls we decided to walk them down by and around the river. They just have a had time returning a thrown ball. Had a nice long walk along the river wooded paths. Was so exhausted I didn't think I would make it up the hill to the car at the end. Went to a Mexican restaurant down the street for dinner and I had a light meal not wanting to get sick on the spicy food. We both were so tired I think we went to bed around 10 pm on a Saturday night. Are we getting old or what?

Today I woke up in a bad mood, had some depressing vivid dreams, feeling depressed, and just not in a good space. Spent most of the morning in tears. Dragged myself around the house till we went to the Art Museum and out to lunch with some friends. I was so tired and did my best to keep a smile on my face and try to be nice all afternoon. By the time we were done eating I was ready to go home. I had had enough. Of course Tony and everyone else had to have another drink. I had a water. Seems I went down hill a bit today. Spent the morning crying and wondering 'why me'. The little voice kept saying I have AIDS. And the fact that my thrush is back has me very depressed. I will call the doctor tomorrow. I am on meds for the thrush, guess they are not working so well. I don't even know which doctor I should call, my general family doctor or my HIV specialist. My specialist told me to call my family doctor for general illnesses. Is this a general illness, don't think so. Then I will have to hall myself to the doctor again this week. So, feeling pretty down today. Tuesday I go in for blood tests and get my viral load tested again. I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Tired of pretending for a day or two that everything is ok when it will never be ok again. I guess the only way I can explain it is you keep pushing the thoughts away and they start to build up, you keep building the wall higher and higher to hold back the thoughts until the wall can not hold it any more. Then the wall comes crashing down and all the thoughts and stuff take you back to the day you found out you are HIV/ AIDS. Back to the fears, back to the unkowning, back to the why me, back to the how did this happen, back to the how long do I have left, etc.
I am back to smoking cigs. Tomorrow I have a therapist appointment. Feel like 'what's the use'. But will push myself to go. Monday night we are suppose to go to a ground breaking for the Humane Society. Having light snow showers right now. I want warm weather so bad.

April 3, 2009 Friday Afternoon - Iowa Decision

I am jumping up and down with happiness at the news that Iowa has said YES to gay marriage. Iowa has 3 weeks to get their shit together and allow us to marry. WOW. IOWA. How did that one slip under the radar with all the California Prop 8 mess? Iowa is only 2 hours from Milwaukee. If it was legal for someone from Wisconsin to go to a state like Iowa or Massachusetts we would be there tomorrow. Only problem is, it is illegal for anyone to do that under our Wisconsin laws. Now we just have to take the Wisconsin amendment to the supreme court. The full story is at the link below:
http://www.queerty.com/breaking-iowa-says-yes-to-gay-marriage-20090403/

April 3, 2009 Friday Morning

Did not have a good night last night. Got home from meeting the guys at a bar by 7:45 pm, in time to watch the final of ER. Only had 2 drinks. As we walked into the house I knew something wasn't right because the dogs did not come running. As I walked into the living room I could not believe my eyes. Stella has been famous for taking food from the kitchen counters. Last week she ate 3 donuts off the kitchen stove. Last night she found the fish food. Huge container the size of a large can of spaghetti sauce. The cardboard container was in pieces all over the living room and what was left of the 100% full fish food flakes were all over the couch and carpet. I had just opened this container of fish food. YUCK! Knew someone was going to throw up last night from eating all that fish food. Never imagined at 2 am it would be ME. Woke up again last night and felt sick to my stomach. Ended up throwing up again. That is twice in a weeks time. Starting to know the sign unfortunately. After I got myself all cleaned up as I am walking back into the bedroom Barkley is pucking all over the bed. Jeez. Got him outside to finish his throwing up and had to change the bedding at 2:30 am. Could not fall back asleep and think I might have gotten about 2 hours of sleep last night. Today I am so tired after I get back from buying more fish food and lunch with the guys I think I will take a needed nap. Had a little snow this morning but the weather guy says the sun is suppose to come out later today. Another snow storm coming on Sunday.
Just got a call from a guy at Social Security / Disability about the online form I filed yesterday. He had a couple of questions to finalize the paperwork. He told me in my case once they get the signed doctor release information my claim should be processed in the next couple of weeks. I asked him if what I had heard about claims being rejected almost 99% of the time or taking years to finalize was true. He told me since I was diagnosed with AIDS rather than just HIV they expedite the paperwork since it is considered a life ending disease. He could have had a better 'bed side manner' or said it better. So basically it comes down to: From the information they get from my doctor if I am going to live a long life I will be denied, but if it appears my life will end soon I will be approved. Wow, is there a door number 3 I can choose from? Feeling very depressed right now and having a hard time holding back the tears. I hate living like this.
Will write again later today or tomorrow.

April 2, 2009 Thursday Evening

Wednesday was another cloudy day here in Milwaukee. Went to a meeting at ARCW at 1 pm for new HIV people. Was informative. Every week they have a different subject. Next weeks subject is Dating, Sex and Informing Partners. Spent the afternoon just doing little things around the house till I made a pizza for dinner and off to my Wednesday night support group. Went to bed around 10:30 pm.

Today I got up and spent about 3 hours on the computer filing for disability. Wow, they ask everything. Spent the afternoon installing a canopy above the kitchen sliding doors that had been up years ago prior to me building a different canopy over that area. Had to do a little sewing cause it was torn in places but got it up and looks good. Now at least we can stand outside the kitchen sliding doors and not get wet when it is raining. Not much sun here in Milwaukee again today and only up to the mid 40s. Tonight Tony and I are meeting some friends out at a local gay bar for a few drinks. Will stop off somewhere first for a quick fast food dinner prior to going to the bar. Never stay out late, in fact we should be there at the bar by 6:30 and home by 8 pm. Two drinks is my limit these days so staying in a bar much longer than a couple hours gets boring. Looking forward to the final of ER tonight. Sad to see the show go but it has gone down hill in the last year or so. If it were not for John Stamos there would be no reason to watch, LOL. Not much to do tomorrow except lunch with the guys. Is summer ever going to get here? I would be happy just for Spring.