April 5, 2009 Sunday Night

Saturday was sunny in the morning but turned cloudy late afternoon. Spent the morning just doing little things around the house. Gave Barkley a bath. After lunch Tony and I took Barkley and Stella to the tennis courts down the road so we can lock the gate and let them run. Took a couple of balls with us. After we got tired of going from side to side to get their thrown balls we decided to walk them down by and around the river. They just have a had time returning a thrown ball. Had a nice long walk along the river wooded paths. Was so exhausted I didn't think I would make it up the hill to the car at the end. Went to a Mexican restaurant down the street for dinner and I had a light meal not wanting to get sick on the spicy food. We both were so tired I think we went to bed around 10 pm on a Saturday night. Are we getting old or what?

Today I woke up in a bad mood, had some depressing vivid dreams, feeling depressed, and just not in a good space. Spent most of the morning in tears. Dragged myself around the house till we went to the Art Museum and out to lunch with some friends. I was so tired and did my best to keep a smile on my face and try to be nice all afternoon. By the time we were done eating I was ready to go home. I had had enough. Of course Tony and everyone else had to have another drink. I had a water. Seems I went down hill a bit today. Spent the morning crying and wondering 'why me'. The little voice kept saying I have AIDS. And the fact that my thrush is back has me very depressed. I will call the doctor tomorrow. I am on meds for the thrush, guess they are not working so well. I don't even know which doctor I should call, my general family doctor or my HIV specialist. My specialist told me to call my family doctor for general illnesses. Is this a general illness, don't think so. Then I will have to hall myself to the doctor again this week. So, feeling pretty down today. Tuesday I go in for blood tests and get my viral load tested again. I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying. Tired of pretending for a day or two that everything is ok when it will never be ok again. I guess the only way I can explain it is you keep pushing the thoughts away and they start to build up, you keep building the wall higher and higher to hold back the thoughts until the wall can not hold it any more. Then the wall comes crashing down and all the thoughts and stuff take you back to the day you found out you are HIV/ AIDS. Back to the fears, back to the unkowning, back to the why me, back to the how did this happen, back to the how long do I have left, etc.
I am back to smoking cigs. Tomorrow I have a therapist appointment. Feel like 'what's the use'. But will push myself to go. Monday night we are suppose to go to a ground breaking for the Humane Society. Having light snow showers right now. I want warm weather so bad.