April 13, 2009 Monday Afternoon

Got up this morning and headed to home depot to see what I could do about replacing the spindles on the deck railing. I can not see the pond from the dinning room because of the railing. Thought if I used skinnier spindles or something I would be able to see the pond better. Did not find what I wanted. Hmm. Going to have to move the deck or move the pond. LOL

Went to my therapist appointment at 11 am this morning. Spent most of the appointment in tears talking about how I feel and how I see my future. Told her I just wish I didn't have this in me. Hate myself for screwing up my life. I had a very good life and f*cked it all up. I just am so mad at myself. Forgiving myself won't make me AIDS free. Feeling like I will never be fully the person I was prior to the diagnosis or the person I always dreamed in the future. Talked about that the only place I feel safe is in my home. If I am away from home too long I start to panic or get a panic attack. Told her how lately I have a very hard time concentrating on anything. Even made as simple addition mistake on a deposit slip. It was simple addition. Never made a mistake like that before. I couldn't believe the slip when Tony showed it to me. My concentration is so bad that when I try to do something for example like google a word or medication I have to keep going back to the word over and over because I can only remember 3 or 4 letters at a time. It is very frustrating. We are trying to figure out where these feeling come from and what starts them. We are trying to figure out the triggers that start me on this downward spiral of thinking. I think it hits me every time I just can not do something I want to do or too tired to do it. Yes, I get through the day, but these thoughts are always eating away at me.
I always felt I was on top of my game and now I do not feel that way. Also talked about the stigma of HIV and AIDS. Why the total mind f*ck when you find out your HIV positive? Is it the same when someone finds out they have cancer, leukemia, etc? NO. People still look at HIV and AIDS as something someone deserves to get because of their actions or bad decisions. You can't blame someone for getting cancer. The only thing comparable is when someone smokes and they get lung cancer. The sentiment is the same. The person should have known better. So you have so much more crap to have to deal with. Heck, I would have no problem with telling someone I have cancer, not the same telling someone you have HIV or AIDS.

Spent the afternoon doing a little cleaning and getting the TV working in the spare room so Suzanne and Erin can watch a little TV in bed if they choose. It actually crossed my mind the other day that since Tony and I have never been out east maybe we will this fall fly to Washington DC, and then travel up the coast to see everyone I have not met from my Internet group. I know I keep saying someday, well, I think I better make some day come sooner rather than later. Just making left overs tonight from the two Easter dinners this weekend. Starting to drizzle here in Milwaukee. Tomorrow isn't suppose to be any better, but the end of the week is looking good. Sixties by Friday, Hurray! Will just settle in and watch a little TV tonight. Been watching 6 dogs today, yes, 6 dogs. Our four, the upstairs dog, and a friends for the week while he is out of town for his mothers funeral. Six dogs is a lot to have at your feet all day. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment. Think I cracked a tooth. First visit at my new dentist at the ARCW center.