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Woke up last night at 2:15 AM screaming out loud as I woke "I don't want to die in my dream" over and over and in tears. Had one of the most vivid and horrible dreams last night since starting on the Atripla. It was horrible. I woke up screaming out loud and crying. Had to get up and about 15 minutes later take a Valium because I could not stop crying and was so shook up. Even laid in bed for a while longer with tears that would not stop. I am going to try to explain this dream as best I can but keep in mind that dreams do not always make sense. I did get up and started writing it all down on paper as much as I could remember so I will look over my notes and try to tell the story. It was that vivid and that profound.
In the dream it was like I was having a dream in a dream. The dream was as best I can describe as a cross between Ghost and It's A Wonderful Life. At the beginning of the dream I was doing things with people and living my life. Or so I thought. Then at one point in the dream Tony came to me and told me I was dead. He told and showed me I was really not a part of what was happening in the dream because no one could really interact with me because in reality I was dead. I kept saying to him 'I don't want to die, I don't want to die in my dream'. He kept trying to show me I was not alive anymore and already dead. I just could not accept it that I was dead. It made me so sad that I was dead and Tony was still alive and that we were not together anymore. He had to show me I was dead. I remember him looking at me saying 'You died in your dream' so vividly. No one else would say anything in the dream, just Tony telling me over and over again that 'I was dead'. The dream ended as he and a group of people watched me disappear into nothing, just kind of fading away. Kind of like the show Without A Trace does in the beginning. I could see myself fading away farther and farther from everyone and was screaming 'I don't want to die, I don't want to die' over and over till I woke up still screaming this now out loud.
I have never had a dream affect me like this. It was so real and hit too close to home. I do not know what I died of in the dream but of course I can assume. I still am having a hard time holding back the tears now it was that vivid and real. Always remember being told it is not good to die in your own dreams. Anyone want to give their opinion on what this dream meant?
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I'm not a psychologist or a therapist just another Atripla patient, but perhaps the problems you experienced yesterday contributed to your unconscious and that dynamic of the medication took charge. I've had several death visions and usually just take it slow the next day with good food and positive thoughts to diffuse the fear and real feeling of dread that this type of dream leaves in my mind.
ReplyDeleteI think Atripla is probably the best medication we have available right now, but it does have vivid dreams as a side effect. I know you're aware of that but I need to remind myself of it after one of these episodes.
I'm sorry you had this event interrupt what sounds like a good weekend, but it's just a dream and you have a real supporter living and loving with you everyday. Thats the reality of it all. I've lost my support and I feel as though it's almost hopeless some days. Thats why I enjoy reading your posts, it gives me a good feeling to know you two are facing this together and you'll be stronger for it.
Stay strong and remember it was just a dream. You're an inspiration to many of us.
Rick
Hi, Dave!
ReplyDeleteFirst, I must say that I enjoy reading your blog (I read it everyday). Thanks for being so open--I do really appreciate your candor.
I am not a psychologist or anything of that nature, but I think this dream has been culminating for awhile now, ever since you were newly diagnosed. The "dream within a dream" may represent how you felt when you received the disparaging news; kinda like a "this can't be happenening to me" moment. And since that day, perhaps internally you've felt that a part of you has "died"; you're not the same Dave you used to be (even though you are :). I see the screaming as two things--anger/frustration/pent-up raw emotions that you haven't allowed yourself to feel in the real world, and a way of fighting back--your spirit is trying to overcome this; it's your way of saying "I've got a lot of life ahead of me and I'm not finished yet".
Awww sweetie, wish I were there to give you a big old hug**
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've studied about dreams, one about dying usually means you are going through a transition (which you are) and becoming more enlightened & spiritual (which you are). It also can sometimes mean an escape from daily drudgery (which we all try to do sometimes).
Even though the dream was alarming to you, remember the most important part of it, you WOKE UP! If you are dreaming, you are alive :)
Now lets put the dream behind us and skip on merrily down the hallway to the guest room and take some pictures of the bathroom so we can see the progress!
Love ya**